Thursday, October 21, 2010

35 Weeks: my little love and my tiny love

Time is definitely rushing by. My photo business is booming and I have more work coming in than I may have logical time to edit! (Never fear, clients: it will be done!) I praise the Lord for the opportunity to bless so many people and help support my famiy as well.

At the same time, it seems like time is crawling by. I am in a hurry (read: nesting) to get everything set up and just SO for this tiny love. I want the bassinet next to my bed, ready to go. I want the second dresser in the boys' room (boys? BOYS!!!!! PLURAL!!!) and the crib set up and the clothes all washed and organized by size so I can take inventory on what I have. I can't decide where to put Jack's bookcase or whether to put a chair in their room or put the changing table there...although I really don't use a changing table, so that answers that.

I want it all set up...maybe because I want this new one in my arms and maybe if I get it all done then he can come out! I'm not saying I'm done being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant, even with the fairly persistent heartburn/gas/aches & pains that I experience. I'm just in a hurry to see his beautiful face and make sure he's okay.

Let me explain.

I'm certain that this tiny love of mine is perfect in every way. God created him and I know he's exactly as God expected, so I should not expect less. However I tend to be a glutton for punishment and wander on the internet...often not on purpose. For example, through one blog I follow I have found another blog that makes me cry. And I was reading a photography e-newsletter I get that featured an article written by this girl whose baby went Home in January.

And my heart breaks.

If there's anything I could say I don't understand (respectfully) on this earth, it's how the human heart can handle such a loss. Even made in God's image (and I'm the roughest sketch of THAT image, let me tell you), I can't believe that God's grace can sufficiently carry us through such difficult times as the loss of a child. Now I'm not sitting here expecting this tiny one to up and die on me. I'm NOT!!! I sometimes just feel...a little too blessed when I see others hurt. I'm not saying I deserve less, but my heart wants to heal their wounds and I feel a pinch ashamed at getting to have what I want when others cannot. You don't have to make me feel better--I don't feel BAD--I've just had these people on my heart lately and need to vent a little.

All that to say, I praise God for the blessing of Jack and the blessing of this tiny love inside me. I feel more fortunate than ever before, than in any other stage of my life. I am writing this and Tiny Love is rolling and kicking and moving about, telling me, "Mama! I'm doing okay!!! I'm healthy and happy and I can't wait to meet you!" And when I come home Jack will yell, "Mommy's home!!!" and give me a big hug and really that's so so SOOOOOO much to take in each day that my heart overflows. Thank you, amazing, astounding, ever-present God, who has blessed me with so much despite my gross failures and shortcomings! So much pregnancy hormones right now, but it's good!!!

Jack is completely adorable. His presence in my life teaches me something every day (sometimes the same things repeatedly as I either forget that he is the age he is or forget that I am the age I am). I am constantly surprised at how innocent a child's love is, how pure their motivations are, how sincere their love is. I am so impressed with him, and not just because he's just totally awesome in general. I am amazed that he is growing so tall and strong. His vocabulary is taking off astronomically and he absorbs SO MUCH of what we say around him! He is learning things that I though he'd never catch on to, like using tissues to wipe his nose (THANK G.O.D.) or following specific directions to get something for me.

I want to capture all the wonderful little ways he talks:

"Mommy, whaddya-doindere?" (What are you doing there?) to check on me.
"C'mon, Mommy, build/draw/truck/cars/sit."
"Mommy shower. Mommy all done shower. My shower too! Mommy dressed."
Anytime he wants something he will say "My hungry/step/jump/car/drive/draw/watch/etc too."
Now that he listens to what we say all the time I realize I'm a loud driver. He will shout behind me:
"GO CAR GO!!!!" "C'mon!!!" ....Gotta watch that, huh?

He has started to take what he sees on the few cartoons he watches and actually talk about them throughout the day. He likes watching Caillou, which is a Canadian cartoon featuring a 4-year-old bald kid named Caillou. I don't know why this kid doesn't have any hair, and he whines a lot, but often the show teaches good points. Anyway, there's a set of twins that Caillou has as neighbors in the show named Jason and Jeffrey. Jack will talk about them while playing with cars or blocks.
"Hi Caillou! Hi Jason! Hi Jeffrey! Jason and Jeffrey house. Jason and Jeffrey eat. Pizza..."
It's cute that he has started to carry things with him like that

He intently watches John play video games. I have mixed feelings about it, but if it's not gory and there's no foul language then I mind less. Jack will intently look for his "troller" (controller) so he can help Daddy play, or just cut to the chase and grab one of his plastic water guns or Pirate of the Caribbean Disney pistol and shoot the bad guys, even going so far as to whirl his hands around where you'd put the powder as if to load it. Pretty much anything sticklike he will use as a weapon though. It doesn't take much!

That's it for this week!
Little love, I can't wait to hold you after work today!
Tiny love, I am so glad my belly is holding you now...but I can't wait to have you in my arms!

Friday, October 8, 2010

33 weeks: Lots of emotion (whining)

Please forgive the complete disregard for order in this post. Many of you may be used to it and wouldn't have noticed anything unusual, but I felt apologetic for once. Which leads to the topic of emotion.

I am officially a mess. I am at a stage I recognize well, where I am emotional, unrealistic and have low self-esteem. I am not writing this so you will say, "Oh, Elaine, I never noticed your butt was big. It's just the pregnancy hormones. Don't worry...when you have two boys you won't ever get to sit down and it'll just work itself off." Thank you, imaginary comment. :\
What I mean is I am starting to dislike things about my body that I am normally able to just...well, ignore. Or give up on (read: accept). My front side now matches my backside, but the back isn't cute. I mean, no one is squealing with delight and asking to rub my bottom in any capacity. But that's okay. I'm at peace with that.
I dislike my hair, which is stupid since my hair is great with all the hormones and my body's "hold-on-to-every-strand"ishness that comes with this baby bump.
I feel very plain when I see myself in photos. Maybe I'm really getting to the topic of self-esteem rather than emotion? I'm proud of my belly, my baby, my family, my home (if you don't look in any other room but the one I sit you down in). Just not really myself today. It's just not working for me.

At least I don't have any new stretch marks.


But my belly button looks weird. It sticks out at the top, but sinks in at the bottom. It's as if it wants to be an outie but the incredible WEIGHT from my baby/souvenir-from-Jack-and-last-Christmas is dragging it down.

OKAY! Enough. On to brighter subjects. Like how I'm doing psychologically. A real, page-scroller, you can guess.

I'm...well, stressed. Okay, I'm happy, but stressed. Anxious? There's a lot to worry about, mostly manufactured worries in my head.

*Money. 'Nuff said. Why can't I substitute teach with a newborn? LOL I canNOT imagine nursing in front of 20 teenage boys. Nope!
*How will I ever get Jack to bed early enough so John and I can actually spend some quality time together? Schedules don't stick...our days change and it all depends on whether he has a nap. Sometimes he doesn't nap but is firmly against going to sleep after he's become delirious, dramatic and angry (or is that me?). Sometimes he konks out in the 1/2 mile between my mom's house and mine and he is thus unrousable for 90 minutes. Then John is asleep before Jack falls asleep and I feel like my evening was wasted. How will this work with the new baby?
*I am a defeated nester. Read that as: constantly irritated by the condition of my home but stopped short by my utter lack of energy by the time I'm home. The rental we're in came with big stains in the carpet and I can't STAND IT!!! It's getting worse as I get closer to my due date. One day I may just rip it all out. Just kidding, John.
*We aren't eating healthy enough. I feel like I've failed taking care of this baby as opposed to how I took care of Jack in utero. I'm lucky if I take my prenatals some days and with Jack I was downing (healthy) pills like an addict. I'm afraid of the potential guilt I'll have if this baby isn't as healthy.
*I wandered too far in the Internet universe and found websites and stories the broke my heart about certain little babies. In the words of Cookie Monster, "That DUMB thing to do!!!" Now I have more fears, or at least my heart cries out to the families and I wonder why I am so blessed to have Jack and been able to hold and giggle and snuggle him for so long.

(You realize with Jack I kept a private diary on my computer and with this one I haven't had time or made the effort or some other guilt-inducing excuse, so this is why you're reading all this crap.)

Physically, I'm doing as well as I'd expected. I feel "trimmer" than with Jack, but that's probably just because now that I've BEEN pregnant, I am expecting my whale-shaped figure to return. I'm more like an orca this time. I know that counteracts all the self-esteem stuff I said at the beginning, saying I'm smaller when I just whined to you about how big I am. Shut up.
I get lots of twinges and sharp pains, "welded" joints when I stay in a position too long and back pain. I usually only get headaches when I work at Littlerock High. Interesting. I get heartburn a lot...I think my stomach is actually located just below my throat. If I bend down to pick something up, I feel heartburn. Ridiculous!

This tiny bear is more like a wildcat. A wildcat that's been poked with sticks. He moves ALL the time. Big, sweeping body twirls. Tiny, piercing elbow drags. Weird hand movements. The loud cries. Just making sure you're paying attention. ;) But, really, if I'm TOO hungry, then he is a tornado of hungry anger. He will kick and punch and twirl and make it KNOWN that he is not happy. Or maybe my stomach is empty and he's taking advantage of the extra centimeter of space. Never thought of that... Either way, I am terrified to think about taking too long to nurse this little kid!

I have more to write on my little baby bear but I'll save it for next week...suffice it to say that he's adorable and precocious and I'm in love with him, even if he's always futilely challenging my authority. And he found a permanent marker a few days ago. But he's my joy, my favorite (for now), my love.