40 weeks: I'm ready!

Well, Tuesday, Nov. 23rd is the big day! But only big-ish. Because Hunter may not come then. He probably won't. But that does mark the 9-months of active people-building on my part, which is pretty impressive. God lets us make our own people! How awesome is that?!?

So I would like to state that this pregnancy has officially been different than the last in that the last trimester has been MORE DRAMATIC THAN COULD EVER BE EXPECTED. --My photography business took off (a GOOD thing, but makes for a busy me!) and I am STILL editing shoots from my uber-busy October.
--John and I made some crucial financial decisions.
--We had to move on Nov. 6th (thank you landlords...), which is NOT what a nesting mama wants to do! We are still unpacking (and probably will be for awhile) but had some awesome people come help us out--friends and family which are all amazing in my book.
--My grandpa passed away yesterday.
--My grandma is very sick.
--Thanksgiving is Thursday.
--We found out that John has to go to Minnesota for manager training (good thing) in January (at least not this month or next month) for THREE WEEKS (bottom lip quivering).
I am officially ready to not have any more drama, good or bad. But I am ready to have this baby!

I am still editing the last two boudoir sessions I shot (the day before we moved, I should add). My plan/hope/wish is that I get all the photo stuff done and in client's hands before I have Hunter. Had we not had to move, that would have been nearly effortless, but having to stop all post-processing for packing and unpacking was a serious problem! Thankfully all my clients are extremely patient with me. <3

Tonight I finished packing everything for the hospital trip...the whole while thinking that this is DEFINITELY one of the reasons to have a baby at home. Ridiculous to do all this packing for a spontaneous trip that has no set length mere miles from my house. Ugh. But, then, I would have had to to about half of this packing anyway as a backup. So I am ready. We would have about half an hour of scurrying around the house collecting things like toothbrushes and cell phone chargers, but the bulk of it is done. Thank God.

We have Jack packed with sensible things like clothes and diapers, but also my childhood suitcase (that bears the phrase "going to grandmas" on the side) full of new little treats for him to enjoy/stuff to keep the grandparents sane while he really wants Mama. I bought him a picture book, a book called "If I Could Keep You Little" which makes me so sentimental I don't know if I'll ever read it to him, a set of Crayola Color Wonder markers and paper, a Thomas the Train DVD and a Thomas the Train book that plays music. AND a slew of plastic dinosaurs and we'll throw in trucks and cars last minute. I hope he enjoys them. :) I hope he goes to sleep for everyone fairly easily.

My little love has been so sweet when he's not a holy terror for being the age he's at. The social and verbal connections he's making blows me away, but he's still just a wee boy and still wants me to hold him. "Mama, hold you?"

When we go through animal sounds he'll start with, "Howwww bowwwwwt...a cow? Mooooooooooo!!!!! Howwww bowwwwt...a sheep? Baaaaaaaaa!!!"

When I found out grandpa died I cried for about half an hour. Jack came in and saw me, then said, "Right back, Mommy. Teh-EE bear." He found his white teddy bear and gave it to me to make me feel better. How sweet!

Last night when I tucked him in bed, I leaned down to give him a kiss. He grabbed both sides of my face and put my head near his nose, breathed in and said, "Mommy spmell nice." He kicked off his blanket (which he used to call "gank," then "ganket" and now it's "mangknet") but five minutes later asked for it back, whispering, "Please Mommy, mangknet." After I draped it over him he whispered, "Thank oooo, Mommy" and fell asleep.

Tonight he didn't want to sleep in his bed, but on the floor where I normally sit or lie down on another pillow next to his bed until he falls asleep. So we cuddled there and he told me how all the characters from the show "Kipper" were sleeping, individually. Then he put his hand on my cheek and fell asleep. :)

If he hears a sound from John or I when we're out of sight, he will come over to us and ask "Mommy/Daddy okay?"

He will often hug my tummy ("the baaaaaaby") and rub it or kiss it. Last night he showed Hunter his book and all the animals in it.

We have not tried to actively potty-train, but he's to the point now that he will tell me most of the time when he needs a new diaper. This only works if it's a pee diaper. If he poops, he'll hide and cry saying "Hurts!" because, obviously, if he doesn't tell me and I don't notice, it isn't comfortable for me to clean him when it's been there for a few minutes. I am looking forward to potty training him, but not worried about it for awhile, given the change of moving and the coming change of Hunter arriving.

I know this post is long. It's long for me, not you. Because I won't remember all of this stuff, but if I type it, I will remember it again later. So if you're still here, I'm going to talk about my pregnancy too.

I have finally reached a point that I'm getting weary of being pregnant. I really do love being pregnant, as I've said before, and I know I'm lucky because some women have a miserable time. Sometimes I'm miserable, but the good always outweighs the bad for me.

I love the small amount extra of attention.
I love the loose waistlines and no expectations for me to LOSE weight.
I love that I remember to take better care of myself because there is a helpless person inside me that needs that.
I love feeling the baby move, 'cause no one else can experience it like I can.

But I think I'm okay if he comes out now. My hips hurt a lot when I'm in any position for two long. It's hard to change position, especially in bed. Just today I've had to pee probably 20 times, each time just a trickle. That gets really old. Especially when it feels like OMG-if-I-don't-pee-I'll-just-die. And that's even more difficult when I have to heave my giant self out of our super-soft mattress to do it! Hunter is way TOO strong to be kicking me for very much longer. It's painful sometimes. I'm tired of sharp, stabbing pain here and there and WAY down there. I'm tired of heartburn that shows up BEFORE I eat. Seriously.

So, Hunter, you can show up anytime. Your Daddy has been anxious to hold you for weeks, especially this past week. Everyone's excited to meet you and I can easily psych myself out when I think about going through labor, so if you could just come, we could get it over with and I could just meet you and love you and feed you 10,000 times each day. And love it. Love you, tiny one.

38ish weeks: Running out of time?

So we've moved! We're at our new house, which is kinda close to the Desert Vineyard. It's nice and seems to be big enough to hold our stuff. The compromise has been in one less bedroom (yet more square footage) and closets about half the size in the non-master bedrooms (tear...). My house is a disaster, although I nearly have the "social areas" ready for the general public. The kitchen is nearly put together, minus random junk that I should just sweep into the trash since I can't remember what's still out till I look at it. The dining room table is set up and looks pretty--I can look at it and feel like there's some semblance of order here. The only real disasters are the office and the boys' room, but that shouldn't take too long to organize, given that I have help coming over soon! I am happy we've moved, although I keep going on "auto-pilot" to the old house.

I am not unhappy as a pregnant lady still, but more of a worrisome one. The baby is doing fine...Hunter is huge and strong and shows me nearly every moment that he's doing great. I am just antsy to get all my photo editing done so I can really, actually rest after I give birth and let my only care be the occasional bill and facebook updates for you nosy people out there. :) I am finishing one wedding, one birth, three family shoots and I think SEVEN boudoir shoots! October was really GOOD to me but this move really put a kink in my workflow! So I am letting my mind gel back into place here for a moment as pictures upload, then back to work!

Jack seems to be doing really well to the adjustment, even though he has gotten really bossy over the past few days. Lots of "Get me water, Mama." and "No! Move over!" So either our move has coincided with a burst of independence and brattiness or it's just the adjusting that is bringing out this curious side to him. If we go near the old house he shouts "Yay! Old house!" which makes me kinda sad. And other times he asks to go to the "New-d house" which kinda makes me laugh, since it basically sounds like "nude house." Which then makes me laugh at the irony since I'll be doing boudoir shoots here and--well, you get it. LOL!

As far as labor and delivery are concerned, I have half my hospital bag packed. I still need to get some essentials like comfy clothes and underclothes for myself. I have all the goodies for Jack's survival pack purchased, but need to get some snacks and such too. Oh, and pack clothes and diapers and all that crap. School the babysitters-to-be on car seat installation. Pray that I go into labor after Jack has already gone to bed and is exhausted enough to sleep till the morning. Stuff like that. Basically if I go into labor now, I'll be scurrying around for awhile getting stuff ready. It irritates me greatly that I HAVE to have a to-go bag since I really wish I was giving birth at home, but that's more of a wish like "I'd love to go skydiving sometime" than a "I am freaking out and can't handle this choice" at this time. *shrug* I'll just try to save up (ha!) for the next one so we can have a midwife for the third baby.

33 weeks: Lots of emotion (whining)

Please forgive the complete disregard for order in this post. Many of you may be used to it and wouldn't have noticed anything unusual, but I felt apologetic for once. Which leads to the topic of emotion.

I am officially a mess. I am at a stage I recognize well, where I am emotional, unrealistic and have low self-esteem. I am not writing this so you will say, "Oh, Elaine, I never noticed your butt was big. It's just the pregnancy hormones. Don't worry...when you have two boys you won't ever get to sit down and it'll just work itself off." Thank you, imaginary comment. :\
What I mean is I am starting to dislike things about my body that I am normally able to just...well, ignore. Or give up on (read: accept). My front side now matches my backside, but the back isn't cute. I mean, no one is squealing with delight and asking to rub my bottom in any capacity. But that's okay. I'm at peace with that.
I dislike my hair, which is stupid since my hair is great with all the hormones and my body's "hold-on-to-every-strand"ishness that comes with this baby bump.
I feel very plain when I see myself in photos. Maybe I'm really getting to the topic of self-esteem rather than emotion? I'm proud of my belly, my baby, my family, my home (if you don't look in any other room but the one I sit you down in). Just not really myself today. It's just not working for me.

At least I don't have any new stretch marks.

Yet.

But my belly button looks weird. It sticks out at the top, but sinks in at the bottom. It's as if it wants to be an outie but the incredible WEIGHT from my baby/souvenir-from-Jack-and-last-Christmas is dragging it down.

OKAY! Enough. On to brighter subjects. Like how I'm doing psychologically. A real, page-scroller, you can guess.

I'm...well, stressed. Okay, I'm happy, but stressed. Anxious? There's a lot to worry about, mostly manufactured worries in my head.

*Money. 'Nuff said. Why can't I substitute teach with a newborn? LOL I canNOT imagine nursing in front of 20 teenage boys. Nope!
*How will I ever get Jack to bed early enough so John and I can actually spend some quality time together? Schedules don't stick...our days change and it all depends on whether he has a nap. Sometimes he doesn't nap but is firmly against going to sleep after he's become delirious, dramatic and angry (or is that me?). Sometimes he konks out in the 1/2 mile between my mom's house and mine and he is thus unrousable for 90 minutes. Then John is asleep before Jack falls asleep and I feel like my evening was wasted. How will this work with the new baby?
*I am a defeated nester. Read that as: constantly irritated by the condition of my home but stopped short by my utter lack of energy by the time I'm home. The rental we're in came with big stains in the carpet and I can't STAND IT!!! It's getting worse as I get closer to my due date. One day I may just rip it all out. Just kidding, John.
*We aren't eating healthy enough. I feel like I've failed taking care of this baby as opposed to how I took care of Jack in utero. I'm lucky if I take my prenatals some days and with Jack I was downing (healthy) pills like an addict. I'm afraid of the potential guilt I'll have if this baby isn't as healthy.
*I wandered too far in the Internet universe and found websites and stories the broke my heart about certain little babies. In the words of Cookie Monster, "That DUMB thing to do!!!" Now I have more fears, or at least my heart cries out to the families and I wonder why I am so blessed to have Jack and been able to hold and giggle and snuggle him for so long.

(You realize with Jack I kept a private diary on my computer and with this one I haven't had time or made the effort or some other guilt-inducing excuse, so this is why you're reading all this crap.)

Physically, I'm doing as well as I'd expected. I feel "trimmer" than with Jack, but that's probably just because now that I've BEEN pregnant, I am expecting my whale-shaped figure to return. I'm more like an orca this time. I know that counteracts all the self-esteem stuff I said at the beginning, saying I'm smaller when I just whined to you about how big I am. Shut up.
I get lots of twinges and sharp pains, "welded" joints when I stay in a position too long and back pain. I usually only get headaches when I work at Littlerock High. Interesting. I get heartburn a lot...I think my stomach is actually located just below my throat. If I bend down to pick something up, I feel heartburn. Ridiculous!

This tiny bear is more like a wildcat. A wildcat that's been poked with sticks. He moves ALL the time. Big, sweeping body twirls. Tiny, piercing elbow drags. Weird hand movements. The loud cries. Just making sure you're paying attention. ;) But, really, if I'm TOO hungry, then he is a tornado of hungry anger. He will kick and punch and twirl and make it KNOWN that he is not happy. Or maybe my stomach is empty and he's taking advantage of the extra centimeter of space. Never thought of that... Either way, I am terrified to think about taking too long to nurse this little kid!

I have more to write on my little baby bear but I'll save it for next week...suffice it to say that he's adorable and precocious and I'm in love with him, even if he's always futilely challenging my authority. And he found a permanent marker a few days ago. But he's my joy, my favorite (for now), my love.

28 weeks: How can this be?

This week my baby is the size of cauliflower or Chinese cabbage--sources conflict. . But I'm in my THIRD trimester--how could this happen so quickly? Surely Jack is partially to blame. I can't just sit and marvel quite at this new love as much as I did with him. I'm already catching on that my life is really going to change again and the constant conversation at home will probably not even include John or I!
Jack is learning and growing at an exponential rate. It's really extraordinary. I can't keep up and I guess that's okay.

Here are some recent "snapshots" of Jack:
*He will shout "Truck!" "Car"! "BIG truck!" "Baby truck!" "Firetruck!" "Bus!" from the car as we drive around.
*He will often say "Mommy" over and over with no discernible reason for doing so. I can answer him each time or not and the repetition stays the same. I like to think he likes to say my name and see me smile at him expectantly.
*Regarding names: If I don't answer to "Mommy" right away, he will bellow "Laaaaaane" to mimic dear Daddy who will do the same thing when I am running late or Daddy is running early.
*He often runs to me, lifts my shirt and kisses "the baby"...which has sometimes turned into him licking my tummy, but I don't quite get that. LOL
*He loves Rex (from Toy Story) and hugs the one Lollie got him, insisting on taking him nearly everywhere. The only other substitute is a white Mommy bear or white Baby bear that someone got us at some point.
*Yesterday he had Rice Krispies with cut up strawberries in it. He doesn't like food mixed or touching (thank you, John), but apparently if I leave him alone long enough, he stops protesting and eats it.
*When we are getting ready to leave, Jack asks, "Home?" meaning he wants to leave home. When we're out and he's ready to leave, he asks the same thing.
*Whenever we leave home or arrive home he wants to pick a "purry fower"...one of the little clover flowers or dandelions that pepper our lawn. Then, invariably, he will behead the flower, exclaim, "Fower brok-key (broken)" and toss both pieces in the car or on the ground.
*He will grab living spiders and hand them to me as they squirm and fight for life. Yesterday he grabbed a Daddy Long Legs and said, "Mommy! O-puss! (Octopus)" Sheesh! I don't want him to be terribly scared of bugs but a little fear would be appreciated. At least before he tries to hand me a black widow or brown recluse.
*In the evening I will strip him down to nothing and let him run around the backyard, so he can go "swimming"...which is just him trying to splash around and make the biggest mess possible in 4" of water in a plastic kiddie pool. Then he runs around and tries to throw things at poor Brownie girl. Jack has started asking for this at all times of the day, saying, "Daddy home? Swimming?"
*Late at night, more nights than not, Jack will wake up, open his door and come into ours. Our ginormous Cal King bed is a little high for him to climb into without help, so he will pat my back or arm and ask, "Mommy? Mommy? THIS bed?" Then in my sleep-induced stupor I may pull him over me to sleep in between Daddy and I or be a wise Mama and heave myself up, take his tiny hand in mine and take him to his room. He will climb in bed and I will cover him, then I'll sit on the floor with my arms and head his bed until he falls asleep. Yawn. Then I go back to bed and pray that the alarm doesn't ring in 10 minutes.
*With much much MUCH harrassment, Jack is starting to understand that he can play with toys from the toy box or his Mega Blocks...and has to put one away to get the other. Otherwise the living room becomes a vertible mine field of pain.

Here are some recent "snapshots" of Baby:
*He kicks like a punter. Not painful yet, just surprising. Whenever I stop moving, he'll take a turn. This is so much fun! I love that I can enjoy him whenever I rest.
*No stretch marks yet (not counting the tiger-mauling that Jack already provided this belly).
*My belly is huge. Much bigger than I thought I was at the same time with Jack. It doesn't feel like there's anymore room to my stomach or give to my skin (see STRETCH MARKS).
*I am starting to freak out now...not a full-out panic, but I'm definitely aware that HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY! More specifically, I have to go through LABOR AGAIN. And at the hospital this time, which is NOT a relieving thought in my mind. And I have to RECOVER from labor. Ugh. I hope things go smoothly.
*I eat and drink more when I'm at work than when I'm at home. Doesn't make any sense.
*I waddle. Have for like, four months. Maybe I just gave up.
*I have a few spider veins. That's gross, but not as gross as vericose veins, so I'm grateful.
*I have all the boy clothes I could ever want, so PLEASE don't buy me any. I need diapers and a new crib mattress and a nursing pump and cash. That's just about it.

To Jack:
Little love, you are everything to me. For now, I love you the best--I can say that! I love your big grin and how you say "rEEEEEEEad-a-book" and for your Mommy-esque love of cereal. I love the little curls that fight against this mainstream haircut to come out. I love your giggles...and how you giggle when I SAY giggle. You are fun 99% of the time and I can take 1% of anything for all of that. THANK YOU for being the baby I got, for this perfect, God-given combination of John and I and so much more that neither of us could have given you ourselves. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Mama

To Baby:
I am waiting for your arrival, but I don't have to wait long! Only 12 weeks until we're close to showtime! And what if you come earlier? Wow! This pregnancy has gone so fast. I hope you're doing great in there, though your ultrasound 8 weeks ago looked perfect and your kicks and bumps and swirls tell me you are just as active as your brother. I am always in awe that I have a PERSON inside me...that you will come out and cry and nurse and learn to talk and walk just like Jack did. I am in awe that you will have your own personality--perhaps like or perhaps completely unlike us or your brother. It's hard to imagine that we can make a different combination...that it won't just be another Jack. But I'm glad for it. That would be fun, but boring at the same time. I am excited to see your scrunchy face and pack the pounds on you through our many, many nursing sessions. Grow strong, sweet one. I have so much to show you!
Mama

Jack at (nearly) 23 months

Dear Jack,

You are growing up so fast! I can't even believe how much you're learning, even when I do nothing more than let you play around the house and occasionally be brainwashed by cartoons. You are hard to mislead, that's for sure: if I try to hide something from you, you're sure to find it. You are a firm believer that my possessions should be carried with me at all times. If I leave my phone on the couch, you will bring it to me within seconds, saying, "Hold? Hold?" You'll also bring me both remotes and any glass of water I leave behind, even if only to get a snack or swap the laundry. You have learned to put all your shape puzzle pieces in the right places all by yourself, and I love to watch you concentrate on it and place the pieces so quickly. You will ask for food and then grab my hand, trying to pull me up off the couch. When that doesn't work, you'll try to push the laptop closed.

Yesterday I followed a pregnancy yoga video and you thought it was a great game. You would mimic my poses right under me, laughing and pressing your forhead into mine. For each standing pose, you would try to run between my legs, which did not work so well since you're taller than my legs are long, so I had to just forget the concept of balance. Not quite the peaceful experience I'd hoped for, but I should have known.

You absolutely and completely love me...you are a cuddlebug and must be touching me in some capacity in order to fall asleep. Your favorite way to fall alseep on me is to pull my shirt up and rest your head on my belly, which will be adorable when my stomach is the size of a hot air balloon.

Your hair is long, blonde, curly and wispy. You've only had one haircut and you're in dire need of another, but I love your curls so. After a bath, the back of your head is filled with a myriad of little ringlets and I fall in love with you all over again.

Jack, I love you! You make me so happy, keep me on my toes and teach me constantly about how to be a better mom. I'm sorry for the times I lose my temper or get frustrated with you. You don't really understand yet and I know that. I just want to be able to communicate fully with you, but I really am so grateful to cherish this time where your broken English is cute and permissible, your playtime is fully uninhibited and your smile lights up your face when you see me.

Words you often say: "Dee-doo" (thank you), "Mama!" (the exclamation point is very important here), "Mama-Da-ee" (your new name for Daddy...weird) or "Daa--ee" (Daddy), "huuuuuu-gny" (hungry), "nack" (snack), "wahn-wah" (sandwich), "nana" (banana), "nigh nigh" (night night--bedtime), "bat" (bath), "tee" (brush teeth), "nyo-ra-njjjje" (orange), "ki" (Caillou cartoon), "mnow" (milk), "crakrrr" (cracker), "tits" (cake...seriously), "shitties" (Goldfish crackers...supposed to be "fishies"), "beet-ah" (binky...pacifier), "tooooooo" (two...you have to have two crackers, two slices, two pieces), "may-oes" (tomatoes), "min-ya" (Mickey Mouse), "wah-saw" (raisins), "nuu-nuus" (noodles), "ow-sigh" (outside), "ing-sigh" (inside), "mooooo" (moon) and "watccccccchhhh" (wants to watch tv).

When you're angry, your first inclination is to throw something. This drives me absolutely nuts, because I don't know where you learned this from, but binkies, toys and food will sail across the room, accompanied by a growl of protest. I have not found an effective punishment for this yet.

You are impervious to spankings. You might cry, but it's more a cry of anger than anything else. More often than not you just grunt in my direction and do whatever it was one more time.

You love to eat cheese, bananas, cookies, graham crackers, Goldfish crackers, pb&j sandwiches, tomatoes and fruit popsicles. You will occasionally eat avacados, strawberries, oranges, apples, chicken, beans and tortillas. You love to drink any kind of juice (just like me) and milk. You also love soda and, in a brief but unfortunate not-taking-everything-with-us-when-we-leave-the-couch episode, beer.

You love to be chased, love to chase back, love to throw sand at poor Brownie (grrrr), love to play outside. You're inquisitive, hard-headed, extremely resilient and you open my eyes in a whole new way to the world around me.

I love you, I love you, I love you! You make my day complete, with your squishy face and your warm little hands. Even when Daddy and I are out on a "date," we think about you and talk about you constantly. Daddy loves you immesurably and he can't hide his excitement when he walks in the door and you run into his arms. You make us so proud and you're not even two yet!

I love you, little love, goober, punkin pie, monster mash. I love every minute of this journey, even if it whizzes by at such an incredible speed.

Love,
Mama!

Just happy...

Do you ever feel...just happy? Not everything has to be going well. Bills are still due. Spilt spaghetti sauce stubbornly burrows in unsealed kitchen grout. Ants begin "aimlessly" wandering in to escape the "heat." Cars still leak oil. But you're just happy. That's what I am today.

Of course, there are reasons for my glee today. It's John's last day at the "old" job. This is a little bittersweet for him because he's good at what he does and his boss will really miss him, but as a family this is great because he works 7 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. Let me spell that out for you: NO MORE 2 P.M. TO MIDNIGHT SHIFTS! WEEKENDS OFF! HUBBY HOME FOR DINNER! The old job really blessed us with a regular paycheck after a few other less-than-profitable positions that painfully tapered down with the faltering economy, but this sounds even better. The new job starts Monday. Praise God!

Reason two is that John gets his "last check" today, which is not like a million dollars, but it is coming on the exact day that we absolutely must have more money or bills will be late and interest rates will go up. So I pretty much want to do cartwheels about this reason, although I've never been able to do one.

The third reason is, well, today is the last day of work (which also feels like school, since I'm a high school substitute teacher) before a week off for Easter break! No one CALLS it Easter break anymore, and they even distanced it two weeks away from Easter so the dumbest people in the world cannot make the connection. But now I'm veering towards Negative Town, so I'll come on back to "happy." :-)

My photography business is starting up again nicely and little "happy thoughts" are to be listed here too:

• I have a couple super-exciting projects coming up that I need volunteers for!
• I have a new camera coming on Monday (took long enough...) and Nikon's fixing my broken one that I'll use as a backup.
• I've got a wedding on the 27th!
• Maternity/newborn shoots for a dear ex-student of mine.
• and even more that I can't mention just yet!

My "middle" sis actually has spring break off next week too and is coming home from UCSD! So we can actually spend time together!

I know there are still things I can be sad or mad or stressed about, but for today...well, I'm just happy!

"He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe..."

"...is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." ~Einstein

It's odd that a moment of self-realization starts with something that I say. Normally it comes from outside sources, but not this week.

A little history before The Moment: John and I are systematically going through all the old episodes of The Office now that we have Netflix and can watch movies instantly on his Xbox (it's salve on the wound, since we didn't sign up for cable when we moved). John asked if I minded him turning it on one evening and I was initially a little hesitant, Jack (and I) having watched way too much Kipper and Thomas the Engine that day as I did (not do) chores. He argued, "I like watching the old episodes with you. It reminds me of the good times." I found myself saying, "These ARE the good times" and we proceeded to watch a couple episodes.

That little statement has affected how I've looked at everything since then. I hear occasionally that I should savor/treasure the moment, since time flies by so quickly. And no one really knows that more than a parent, because the growth of a child fills you with grief over memories gone and joy over new milestones reached everyday.

So I've tried to treasure the hours I spend with John and Jack, but even more so after this revelation.
--Even though I have more credit card debt than I ever thought possible after years of responsible spending in high school and college turned to foolish decisions and periods of unemployment.
--Even though the house we live in isn't our own when we'd so desperately wanted to buy. (Tax credit--helllllooooooooo?)
--The bathrooms aren't clean.
--The guest bedroom is used for storage and doesn't contain a bed.
--I'm still paying off bills from my little skipped-heartbeat scare from April 2008 (thank you Blue Cross).
--John has only one pair of non-work pants.

EVEN though our lives aren't perfect, this time won't pass again. Jack will not be 21 months forever and teething his second set of molars. He will not always intermix English words with baby babble. He will not always call milk "mnou" and raisins "way-saw." We will not always be this young.

But these are the good times, believe it or not.