Okay, so I'm writing this waaaaaaay after week 41. Say, week 46ish. But I have GOT to catch up. It makes me very sad that I haven't kept up with this documentation of Hunter's little life...well, of all of our lives. And I know that, try as I may, I won't remember so much that has gone by already, even if I document some of it.
Week 41 was very difficult for me. No, not because I was late. I wasn't worried about being late. I was worried about everyone ELSE being worried about being late. Because the later it got, the fussier people got. Ironically, after NINE MONTHS of waiting, every day after my very-rough-estimate "due date" was TOO LONG TO WAIT!!!! TOO LONG!!! You know, I'd read about fudging the due date to people...like, telling your friends and family that you were one week "earlier" than you were, so no one got a chance to bug you because the baby came "early"!
Yeah, I should have done that. Because I had to quit facebook at one point just to stop justifying myself and feeling like I was failing when I had no reason to feel that way.
I can't even point out any specific remark (aren't YOU all grateful!) that put me on edge. Honestly, it was the combination of my own anxiety with anything anyone said, good or bad. I was worried about Hunter being late because I was having him in the hospital and doctors are (sometimes understandably) fussy when your baby seems "overcooked"...but often it's a liability issue.
Now, Dr. Kurian was WONDERFUL at the birth (as you'll read in another post). SIMPly WONDERful. But his nurse asked me if I wanted to schedule an induction. Before I was due. I was actually 39 weeks. And healthy. No complications except Group B Strep Positive, which isn't an issue really. So it irritates me GREATLY that they would encourage scheduling an intervention so routinely without there being any cause whatsoever. I get it if I had gestational diabetes and was going blind. That I get. But for a healthy mom with a healthy baby, who could naturally give birth (as I did) at least two weeks after her "due date." Grrrrr....
But I digress. Or complain. Both, probably.
So on Wednesday of week 41 I went in for a non-stress test. "Non-stress" is definitely a misnomer for me. Because I was beyond stressed. Not because I was worried about Hunter. I had no signs to indicate that Hunter was unwell. I was worried that perhaps Hunter would not put on a "good show" and make people worried when he was really doing just fine.
So, for the first time during my pregnancy at any doctor's visit, my blood pressure was really high. Then the nurse had me lay on my back, which hurt my hips and lower back like you can't even believe. Then they can't get a good reading off one machine. Like, it just broke. Then they wheel a second machine in. Which stops printing. Thankfully, Dr. Kurian came in, looked at the results on the monitor and deemed everything fine. But I would have to come in the next day for an ultrasound to monitor amniotic fluid, then again the day after for another non-stress test.
That night I felt little pains that came sort of regularly, which I "walked off" around Jill's pool table after dinner. But it tapered off. I woke up the next morning to Dr. Kurian's office postponing the ultrasound to Friday, which suited me just fine. I'd been drinking LOTS of water to make sure my fluid was good, but it's not like that would hurt me. I just had to pee a lot!
I kept feeling little pains off and on that day, which was exciting but I tried not to get too excited. I knew it could stop and I didn't want to get disheartened. So I tried to test Murphy's Law. I started making poultry stock with turkey and chicken carcasses. It takes six hours to make poultry stock and I figured that if this was real labor, it would interfere with my six hour time period and I'd much rather sacrifice a pot of stock (sad as it would be) in order to get the baby out! Around 3 p.m. I decided to start keeping track of the contractions seriously! And...you'll have to find out the rest in the next post! *grin*
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Sunday, November 21, 2010
40 weeks: I'm ready!
Well, Tuesday, Nov. 23rd is the big day! But only big-ish. Because Hunter may not come then. He probably won't. But that does mark the 9-months of active people-building on my part, which is pretty impressive. God lets us make our own people! How awesome is that?!?
So I would like to state that this pregnancy has officially been different than the last in that the last trimester has been MORE DRAMATIC THAN COULD EVER BE EXPECTED. --My photography business took off (a GOOD thing, but makes for a busy me!) and I am STILL editing shoots from my uber-busy October.
--John and I made some crucial financial decisions.
--We had to move on Nov. 6th (thank you landlords...), which is NOT what a nesting mama wants to do! We are still unpacking (and probably will be for awhile) but had some awesome people come help us out--friends and family which are all amazing in my book.
--My grandpa passed away yesterday.
--My grandma is very sick.
--Thanksgiving is Thursday.
--We found out that John has to go to Minnesota for manager training (good thing) in January (at least not this month or next month) for THREE WEEKS (bottom lip quivering).
I am officially ready to not have any more drama, good or bad. But I am ready to have this baby!
I am still editing the last two boudoir sessions I shot (the day before we moved, I should add). My plan/hope/wish is that I get all the photo stuff done and in client's hands before I have Hunter. Had we not had to move, that would have been nearly effortless, but having to stop all post-processing for packing and unpacking was a serious problem! Thankfully all my clients are extremely patient with me. <3
Tonight I finished packing everything for the hospital trip...the whole while thinking that this is DEFINITELY one of the reasons to have a baby at home. Ridiculous to do all this packing for a spontaneous trip that has no set length mere miles from my house. Ugh. But, then, I would have had to to about half of this packing anyway as a backup. So I am ready. We would have about half an hour of scurrying around the house collecting things like toothbrushes and cell phone chargers, but the bulk of it is done. Thank God.
We have Jack packed with sensible things like clothes and diapers, but also my childhood suitcase (that bears the phrase "going to grandmas" on the side) full of new little treats for him to enjoy/stuff to keep the grandparents sane while he really wants Mama. I bought him a picture book, a book called "If I Could Keep You Little" which makes me so sentimental I don't know if I'll ever read it to him, a set of Crayola Color Wonder markers and paper, a Thomas the Train DVD and a Thomas the Train book that plays music. AND a slew of plastic dinosaurs and we'll throw in trucks and cars last minute. I hope he enjoys them. :) I hope he goes to sleep for everyone fairly easily.
My little love has been so sweet when he's not a holy terror for being the age he's at. The social and verbal connections he's making blows me away, but he's still just a wee boy and still wants me to hold him. "Mama, hold you?"
When we go through animal sounds he'll start with, "Howwww bowwwwwt...a cow? Mooooooooooo!!!!! Howwww bowwwwt...a sheep? Baaaaaaaaa!!!"
When I found out grandpa died I cried for about half an hour. Jack came in and saw me, then said, "Right back, Mommy. Teh-EE bear." He found his white teddy bear and gave it to me to make me feel better. How sweet!
Last night when I tucked him in bed, I leaned down to give him a kiss. He grabbed both sides of my face and put my head near his nose, breathed in and said, "Mommy spmell nice." He kicked off his blanket (which he used to call "gank," then "ganket" and now it's "mangknet") but five minutes later asked for it back, whispering, "Please Mommy, mangknet." After I draped it over him he whispered, "Thank oooo, Mommy" and fell asleep.
Tonight he didn't want to sleep in his bed, but on the floor where I normally sit or lie down on another pillow next to his bed until he falls asleep. So we cuddled there and he told me how all the characters from the show "Kipper" were sleeping, individually. Then he put his hand on my cheek and fell asleep. :)
If he hears a sound from John or I when we're out of sight, he will come over to us and ask "Mommy/Daddy okay?"
He will often hug my tummy ("the baaaaaaby") and rub it or kiss it. Last night he showed Hunter his book and all the animals in it.
We have not tried to actively potty-train, but he's to the point now that he will tell me most of the time when he needs a new diaper. This only works if it's a pee diaper. If he poops, he'll hide and cry saying "Hurts!" because, obviously, if he doesn't tell me and I don't notice, it isn't comfortable for me to clean him when it's been there for a few minutes. I am looking forward to potty training him, but not worried about it for awhile, given the change of moving and the coming change of Hunter arriving.
I know this post is long. It's long for me, not you. Because I won't remember all of this stuff, but if I type it, I will remember it again later. So if you're still here, I'm going to talk about my pregnancy too.
I have finally reached a point that I'm getting weary of being pregnant. I really do love being pregnant, as I've said before, and I know I'm lucky because some women have a miserable time. Sometimes I'm miserable, but the good always outweighs the bad for me.
I love the small amount extra of attention.
I love the loose waistlines and no expectations for me to LOSE weight.
I love that I remember to take better care of myself because there is a helpless person inside me that needs that.
I love feeling the baby move, 'cause no one else can experience it like I can.
But I think I'm okay if he comes out now. My hips hurt a lot when I'm in any position for two long. It's hard to change position, especially in bed. Just today I've had to pee probably 20 times, each time just a trickle. That gets really old. Especially when it feels like OMG-if-I-don't-pee-I'll-just-die. And that's even more difficult when I have to heave my giant self out of our super-soft mattress to do it! Hunter is way TOO strong to be kicking me for very much longer. It's painful sometimes. I'm tired of sharp, stabbing pain here and there and WAY down there. I'm tired of heartburn that shows up BEFORE I eat. Seriously.
So, Hunter, you can show up anytime. Your Daddy has been anxious to hold you for weeks, especially this past week. Everyone's excited to meet you and I can easily psych myself out when I think about going through labor, so if you could just come, we could get it over with and I could just meet you and love you and feed you 10,000 times each day. And love it. Love you, tiny one.
So I would like to state that this pregnancy has officially been different than the last in that the last trimester has been MORE DRAMATIC THAN COULD EVER BE EXPECTED. --My photography business took off (a GOOD thing, but makes for a busy me!) and I am STILL editing shoots from my uber-busy October.
--John and I made some crucial financial decisions.
--We had to move on Nov. 6th (thank you landlords...), which is NOT what a nesting mama wants to do! We are still unpacking (and probably will be for awhile) but had some awesome people come help us out--friends and family which are all amazing in my book.
--My grandpa passed away yesterday.
--My grandma is very sick.
--Thanksgiving is Thursday.
--We found out that John has to go to Minnesota for manager training (good thing) in January (at least not this month or next month) for THREE WEEKS (bottom lip quivering).
I am officially ready to not have any more drama, good or bad. But I am ready to have this baby!
I am still editing the last two boudoir sessions I shot (the day before we moved, I should add). My plan/hope/wish is that I get all the photo stuff done and in client's hands before I have Hunter. Had we not had to move, that would have been nearly effortless, but having to stop all post-processing for packing and unpacking was a serious problem! Thankfully all my clients are extremely patient with me. <3
Tonight I finished packing everything for the hospital trip...the whole while thinking that this is DEFINITELY one of the reasons to have a baby at home. Ridiculous to do all this packing for a spontaneous trip that has no set length mere miles from my house. Ugh. But, then, I would have had to to about half of this packing anyway as a backup. So I am ready. We would have about half an hour of scurrying around the house collecting things like toothbrushes and cell phone chargers, but the bulk of it is done. Thank God.
We have Jack packed with sensible things like clothes and diapers, but also my childhood suitcase (that bears the phrase "going to grandmas" on the side) full of new little treats for him to enjoy/stuff to keep the grandparents sane while he really wants Mama. I bought him a picture book, a book called "If I Could Keep You Little" which makes me so sentimental I don't know if I'll ever read it to him, a set of Crayola Color Wonder markers and paper, a Thomas the Train DVD and a Thomas the Train book that plays music. AND a slew of plastic dinosaurs and we'll throw in trucks and cars last minute. I hope he enjoys them. :) I hope he goes to sleep for everyone fairly easily.
My little love has been so sweet when he's not a holy terror for being the age he's at. The social and verbal connections he's making blows me away, but he's still just a wee boy and still wants me to hold him. "Mama, hold you?"
When we go through animal sounds he'll start with, "Howwww bowwwwwt...a cow? Mooooooooooo!!!!! Howwww bowwwwt...a sheep? Baaaaaaaaa!!!"
When I found out grandpa died I cried for about half an hour. Jack came in and saw me, then said, "Right back, Mommy. Teh-EE bear." He found his white teddy bear and gave it to me to make me feel better. How sweet!
Last night when I tucked him in bed, I leaned down to give him a kiss. He grabbed both sides of my face and put my head near his nose, breathed in and said, "Mommy spmell nice." He kicked off his blanket (which he used to call "gank," then "ganket" and now it's "mangknet") but five minutes later asked for it back, whispering, "Please Mommy, mangknet." After I draped it over him he whispered, "Thank oooo, Mommy" and fell asleep.
Tonight he didn't want to sleep in his bed, but on the floor where I normally sit or lie down on another pillow next to his bed until he falls asleep. So we cuddled there and he told me how all the characters from the show "Kipper" were sleeping, individually. Then he put his hand on my cheek and fell asleep. :)
If he hears a sound from John or I when we're out of sight, he will come over to us and ask "Mommy/Daddy okay?"
He will often hug my tummy ("the baaaaaaby") and rub it or kiss it. Last night he showed Hunter his book and all the animals in it.
We have not tried to actively potty-train, but he's to the point now that he will tell me most of the time when he needs a new diaper. This only works if it's a pee diaper. If he poops, he'll hide and cry saying "Hurts!" because, obviously, if he doesn't tell me and I don't notice, it isn't comfortable for me to clean him when it's been there for a few minutes. I am looking forward to potty training him, but not worried about it for awhile, given the change of moving and the coming change of Hunter arriving.
I know this post is long. It's long for me, not you. Because I won't remember all of this stuff, but if I type it, I will remember it again later. So if you're still here, I'm going to talk about my pregnancy too.
I have finally reached a point that I'm getting weary of being pregnant. I really do love being pregnant, as I've said before, and I know I'm lucky because some women have a miserable time. Sometimes I'm miserable, but the good always outweighs the bad for me.
I love the small amount extra of attention.
I love the loose waistlines and no expectations for me to LOSE weight.
I love that I remember to take better care of myself because there is a helpless person inside me that needs that.
I love feeling the baby move, 'cause no one else can experience it like I can.
But I think I'm okay if he comes out now. My hips hurt a lot when I'm in any position for two long. It's hard to change position, especially in bed. Just today I've had to pee probably 20 times, each time just a trickle. That gets really old. Especially when it feels like OMG-if-I-don't-pee-I'll-just-die. And that's even more difficult when I have to heave my giant self out of our super-soft mattress to do it! Hunter is way TOO strong to be kicking me for very much longer. It's painful sometimes. I'm tired of sharp, stabbing pain here and there and WAY down there. I'm tired of heartburn that shows up BEFORE I eat. Seriously.
So, Hunter, you can show up anytime. Your Daddy has been anxious to hold you for weeks, especially this past week. Everyone's excited to meet you and I can easily psych myself out when I think about going through labor, so if you could just come, we could get it over with and I could just meet you and love you and feed you 10,000 times each day. And love it. Love you, tiny one.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
38ish weeks: Running out of time?
So we've moved! We're at our new house, which is kinda close to the Desert Vineyard. It's nice and seems to be big enough to hold our stuff. The compromise has been in one less bedroom (yet more square footage) and closets about half the size in the non-master bedrooms (tear...). My house is a disaster, although I nearly have the "social areas" ready for the general public. The kitchen is nearly put together, minus random junk that I should just sweep into the trash since I can't remember what's still out till I look at it. The dining room table is set up and looks pretty--I can look at it and feel like there's some semblance of order here. The only real disasters are the office and the boys' room, but that shouldn't take too long to organize, given that I have help coming over soon! I am happy we've moved, although I keep going on "auto-pilot" to the old house.
I am not unhappy as a pregnant lady still, but more of a worrisome one. The baby is doing fine...Hunter is huge and strong and shows me nearly every moment that he's doing great. I am just antsy to get all my photo editing done so I can really, actually rest after I give birth and let my only care be the occasional bill and facebook updates for you nosy people out there. :) I am finishing one wedding, one birth, three family shoots and I think SEVEN boudoir shoots! October was really GOOD to me but this move really put a kink in my workflow! So I am letting my mind gel back into place here for a moment as pictures upload, then back to work!
Jack seems to be doing really well to the adjustment, even though he has gotten really bossy over the past few days. Lots of "Get me water, Mama." and "No! Move over!" So either our move has coincided with a burst of independence and brattiness or it's just the adjusting that is bringing out this curious side to him. If we go near the old house he shouts "Yay! Old house!" which makes me kinda sad. And other times he asks to go to the "New-d house" which kinda makes me laugh, since it basically sounds like "nude house." Which then makes me laugh at the irony since I'll be doing boudoir shoots here and--well, you get it. LOL!
As far as labor and delivery are concerned, I have half my hospital bag packed. I still need to get some essentials like comfy clothes and underclothes for myself. I have all the goodies for Jack's survival pack purchased, but need to get some snacks and such too. Oh, and pack clothes and diapers and all that crap. School the babysitters-to-be on car seat installation. Pray that I go into labor after Jack has already gone to bed and is exhausted enough to sleep till the morning. Stuff like that. Basically if I go into labor now, I'll be scurrying around for awhile getting stuff ready. It irritates me greatly that I HAVE to have a to-go bag since I really wish I was giving birth at home, but that's more of a wish like "I'd love to go skydiving sometime" than a "I am freaking out and can't handle this choice" at this time. *shrug* I'll just try to save up (ha!) for the next one so we can have a midwife for the third baby.
I am not unhappy as a pregnant lady still, but more of a worrisome one. The baby is doing fine...Hunter is huge and strong and shows me nearly every moment that he's doing great. I am just antsy to get all my photo editing done so I can really, actually rest after I give birth and let my only care be the occasional bill and facebook updates for you nosy people out there. :) I am finishing one wedding, one birth, three family shoots and I think SEVEN boudoir shoots! October was really GOOD to me but this move really put a kink in my workflow! So I am letting my mind gel back into place here for a moment as pictures upload, then back to work!
Jack seems to be doing really well to the adjustment, even though he has gotten really bossy over the past few days. Lots of "Get me water, Mama." and "No! Move over!" So either our move has coincided with a burst of independence and brattiness or it's just the adjusting that is bringing out this curious side to him. If we go near the old house he shouts "Yay! Old house!" which makes me kinda sad. And other times he asks to go to the "New-d house" which kinda makes me laugh, since it basically sounds like "nude house." Which then makes me laugh at the irony since I'll be doing boudoir shoots here and--well, you get it. LOL!
As far as labor and delivery are concerned, I have half my hospital bag packed. I still need to get some essentials like comfy clothes and underclothes for myself. I have all the goodies for Jack's survival pack purchased, but need to get some snacks and such too. Oh, and pack clothes and diapers and all that crap. School the babysitters-to-be on car seat installation. Pray that I go into labor after Jack has already gone to bed and is exhausted enough to sleep till the morning. Stuff like that. Basically if I go into labor now, I'll be scurrying around for awhile getting stuff ready. It irritates me greatly that I HAVE to have a to-go bag since I really wish I was giving birth at home, but that's more of a wish like "I'd love to go skydiving sometime" than a "I am freaking out and can't handle this choice" at this time. *shrug* I'll just try to save up (ha!) for the next one so we can have a midwife for the third baby.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
37 weeks: Out of my flippin' mind
So I don't think this will be quite as long as the others because my life is crazy and I should be packing. Yes, packing. We found out about a week and a half ago that our landlord pulled the plug on our month-to-month contract and wants us out by Nov. 30th. Of course, we're not going to WAIT that long because baby Hunter is DUE Nov. 23rd. Ugh! I guess it's better that we didn't just have Hunter and it be almost Christmas when we had to uproot. But that is a small consolation.
We DID find a place, near the Desert Vineyard in a pretty little cul-de-sac. We're excited because there's new carpet, tile, paint and kitchen appliances! We're going from $950 to $1100 but I believe that's doable.
NOW it's a race against time because we're already paying rent for the new place and each day we're at the old place we'll be billed against our deposit. And I really want more money back than less, you know? So we're moving THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY, then collapsing Sunday.
I'm trying to pack everything, but I'm fairly useless (read: slow) at doing everything. Take my friend, Melissa, who came over and in ONE HOUR packed Jack's whole room. That would have taken me like three hours, not counting breaks. I love bossy, motivated, NOT pregnant women. :) (Thank you, Melissa!)
On the "merely" pregnant front, I am doing well. Hunter is kicking me like crazy and my stomach has relocated to my throat, causing the mere thought of food to create a firestorm of heartburn the world has never seen. Good thing I love things like fruit juice, tomatoes and spicy food, huh? But I don't even think it matters. I got heartburn from bananas yesterday...it clearly matters not what slides down my gullet.
I have to keep moving or changing positions or my joints settle into that position permanently. I'm basically the Tin Man.
I found three little stretchmarks. I'm happy with that. No more stretching, Hunter. No more!
Today the baby email says that Hunter could pop out and would be considered A-OK for the world. Oh please oh please oh plEASE take your time in there, kiddo! I want you on time, or slightly late. I really don't have time or the mental/physical/emotional energy to do all the stuff I'm doing AND have a baby (which then becomes me not doing ANY of the stuff I'm doing EXCEPT having the baby).
My photography business is doing GREAT, praise God! If I wasn't moving then I would just happily sit at home, enjoying my blessed maternity leave, cheerfully editing pictures at my leisure (and the "leisure" of a toddler). Instead I pack like a madwoman then take my "breaks" by collapsing on the couch with the laptop to edit edit edit edit EDIT! I really, truly love my job. Honestly I do! I am just amazed at how much work I have to do right now and I'm so SO SO grateful to my clients for being patient. :)
Alright, this is long enough. See you next week. Maybe.
We DID find a place, near the Desert Vineyard in a pretty little cul-de-sac. We're excited because there's new carpet, tile, paint and kitchen appliances! We're going from $950 to $1100 but I believe that's doable.
NOW it's a race against time because we're already paying rent for the new place and each day we're at the old place we'll be billed against our deposit. And I really want more money back than less, you know? So we're moving THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY, then collapsing Sunday.
I'm trying to pack everything, but I'm fairly useless (read: slow) at doing everything. Take my friend, Melissa, who came over and in ONE HOUR packed Jack's whole room. That would have taken me like three hours, not counting breaks. I love bossy, motivated, NOT pregnant women. :) (Thank you, Melissa!)
On the "merely" pregnant front, I am doing well. Hunter is kicking me like crazy and my stomach has relocated to my throat, causing the mere thought of food to create a firestorm of heartburn the world has never seen. Good thing I love things like fruit juice, tomatoes and spicy food, huh? But I don't even think it matters. I got heartburn from bananas yesterday...it clearly matters not what slides down my gullet.
I have to keep moving or changing positions or my joints settle into that position permanently. I'm basically the Tin Man.
I found three little stretchmarks. I'm happy with that. No more stretching, Hunter. No more!
Today the baby email says that Hunter could pop out and would be considered A-OK for the world. Oh please oh please oh plEASE take your time in there, kiddo! I want you on time, or slightly late. I really don't have time or the mental/physical/emotional energy to do all the stuff I'm doing AND have a baby (which then becomes me not doing ANY of the stuff I'm doing EXCEPT having the baby).
My photography business is doing GREAT, praise God! If I wasn't moving then I would just happily sit at home, enjoying my blessed maternity leave, cheerfully editing pictures at my leisure (and the "leisure" of a toddler). Instead I pack like a madwoman then take my "breaks" by collapsing on the couch with the laptop to edit edit edit edit EDIT! I really, truly love my job. Honestly I do! I am just amazed at how much work I have to do right now and I'm so SO SO grateful to my clients for being patient. :)
Alright, this is long enough. See you next week. Maybe.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
35 Weeks: my little love and my tiny love
Time is definitely rushing by. My photo business is booming and I have more work coming in than I may have logical time to edit! (Never fear, clients: it will be done!) I praise the Lord for the opportunity to bless so many people and help support my famiy as well.
At the same time, it seems like time is crawling by. I am in a hurry (read: nesting) to get everything set up and just SO for this tiny love. I want the bassinet next to my bed, ready to go. I want the second dresser in the boys' room (boys? BOYS!!!!! PLURAL!!!) and the crib set up and the clothes all washed and organized by size so I can take inventory on what I have. I can't decide where to put Jack's bookcase or whether to put a chair in their room or put the changing table there...although I really don't use a changing table, so that answers that.
I want it all set up...maybe because I want this new one in my arms and maybe if I get it all done then he can come out! I'm not saying I'm done being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant, even with the fairly persistent heartburn/gas/aches & pains that I experience. I'm just in a hurry to see his beautiful face and make sure he's okay.
Let me explain.
I'm certain that this tiny love of mine is perfect in every way. God created him and I know he's exactly as God expected, so I should not expect less. However I tend to be a glutton for punishment and wander on the internet...often not on purpose. For example, through one blog I follow I have found another blog that makes me cry. And I was reading a photography e-newsletter I get that featured an article written by this girl whose baby went Home in January.
And my heart breaks.
If there's anything I could say I don't understand (respectfully) on this earth, it's how the human heart can handle such a loss. Even made in God's image (and I'm the roughest sketch of THAT image, let me tell you), I can't believe that God's grace can sufficiently carry us through such difficult times as the loss of a child. Now I'm not sitting here expecting this tiny one to up and die on me. I'm NOT!!! I sometimes just feel...a little too blessed when I see others hurt. I'm not saying I deserve less, but my heart wants to heal their wounds and I feel a pinch ashamed at getting to have what I want when others cannot. You don't have to make me feel better--I don't feel BAD--I've just had these people on my heart lately and need to vent a little.
All that to say, I praise God for the blessing of Jack and the blessing of this tiny love inside me. I feel more fortunate than ever before, than in any other stage of my life. I am writing this and Tiny Love is rolling and kicking and moving about, telling me, "Mama! I'm doing okay!!! I'm healthy and happy and I can't wait to meet you!" And when I come home Jack will yell, "Mommy's home!!!" and give me a big hug and really that's so so SOOOOOO much to take in each day that my heart overflows. Thank you, amazing, astounding, ever-present God, who has blessed me with so much despite my gross failures and shortcomings! So much pregnancy hormones right now, but it's good!!!
Jack is completely adorable. His presence in my life teaches me something every day (sometimes the same things repeatedly as I either forget that he is the age he is or forget that I am the age I am). I am constantly surprised at how innocent a child's love is, how pure their motivations are, how sincere their love is. I am so impressed with him, and not just because he's just totally awesome in general. I am amazed that he is growing so tall and strong. His vocabulary is taking off astronomically and he absorbs SO MUCH of what we say around him! He is learning things that I though he'd never catch on to, like using tissues to wipe his nose (THANK G.O.D.) or following specific directions to get something for me.
I want to capture all the wonderful little ways he talks:
"Mommy, whaddya-doindere?" (What are you doing there?) to check on me.
"C'mon, Mommy, build/draw/truck/cars/sit."
"Mommy shower. Mommy all done shower. My shower too! Mommy dressed."
Anytime he wants something he will say "My hungry/step/jump/car/drive/draw/watch/etc too."
Now that he listens to what we say all the time I realize I'm a loud driver. He will shout behind me:
"GO CAR GO!!!!" "C'mon!!!" ....Gotta watch that, huh?
He has started to take what he sees on the few cartoons he watches and actually talk about them throughout the day. He likes watching Caillou, which is a Canadian cartoon featuring a 4-year-old bald kid named Caillou. I don't know why this kid doesn't have any hair, and he whines a lot, but often the show teaches good points. Anyway, there's a set of twins that Caillou has as neighbors in the show named Jason and Jeffrey. Jack will talk about them while playing with cars or blocks.
"Hi Caillou! Hi Jason! Hi Jeffrey! Jason and Jeffrey house. Jason and Jeffrey eat. Pizza..."
It's cute that he has started to carry things with him like that
He intently watches John play video games. I have mixed feelings about it, but if it's not gory and there's no foul language then I mind less. Jack will intently look for his "troller" (controller) so he can help Daddy play, or just cut to the chase and grab one of his plastic water guns or Pirate of the Caribbean Disney pistol and shoot the bad guys, even going so far as to whirl his hands around where you'd put the powder as if to load it. Pretty much anything sticklike he will use as a weapon though. It doesn't take much!
That's it for this week!
Little love, I can't wait to hold you after work today!
Tiny love, I am so glad my belly is holding you now...but I can't wait to have you in my arms!
At the same time, it seems like time is crawling by. I am in a hurry (read: nesting) to get everything set up and just SO for this tiny love. I want the bassinet next to my bed, ready to go. I want the second dresser in the boys' room (boys? BOYS!!!!! PLURAL!!!) and the crib set up and the clothes all washed and organized by size so I can take inventory on what I have. I can't decide where to put Jack's bookcase or whether to put a chair in their room or put the changing table there...although I really don't use a changing table, so that answers that.
I want it all set up...maybe because I want this new one in my arms and maybe if I get it all done then he can come out! I'm not saying I'm done being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant, even with the fairly persistent heartburn/gas/aches & pains that I experience. I'm just in a hurry to see his beautiful face and make sure he's okay.
Let me explain.
I'm certain that this tiny love of mine is perfect in every way. God created him and I know he's exactly as God expected, so I should not expect less. However I tend to be a glutton for punishment and wander on the internet...often not on purpose. For example, through one blog I follow I have found another blog that makes me cry. And I was reading a photography e-newsletter I get that featured an article written by this girl whose baby went Home in January.
And my heart breaks.
If there's anything I could say I don't understand (respectfully) on this earth, it's how the human heart can handle such a loss. Even made in God's image (and I'm the roughest sketch of THAT image, let me tell you), I can't believe that God's grace can sufficiently carry us through such difficult times as the loss of a child. Now I'm not sitting here expecting this tiny one to up and die on me. I'm NOT!!! I sometimes just feel...a little too blessed when I see others hurt. I'm not saying I deserve less, but my heart wants to heal their wounds and I feel a pinch ashamed at getting to have what I want when others cannot. You don't have to make me feel better--I don't feel BAD--I've just had these people on my heart lately and need to vent a little.
All that to say, I praise God for the blessing of Jack and the blessing of this tiny love inside me. I feel more fortunate than ever before, than in any other stage of my life. I am writing this and Tiny Love is rolling and kicking and moving about, telling me, "Mama! I'm doing okay!!! I'm healthy and happy and I can't wait to meet you!" And when I come home Jack will yell, "Mommy's home!!!" and give me a big hug and really that's so so SOOOOOO much to take in each day that my heart overflows. Thank you, amazing, astounding, ever-present God, who has blessed me with so much despite my gross failures and shortcomings! So much pregnancy hormones right now, but it's good!!!
Jack is completely adorable. His presence in my life teaches me something every day (sometimes the same things repeatedly as I either forget that he is the age he is or forget that I am the age I am). I am constantly surprised at how innocent a child's love is, how pure their motivations are, how sincere their love is. I am so impressed with him, and not just because he's just totally awesome in general. I am amazed that he is growing so tall and strong. His vocabulary is taking off astronomically and he absorbs SO MUCH of what we say around him! He is learning things that I though he'd never catch on to, like using tissues to wipe his nose (THANK G.O.D.) or following specific directions to get something for me.
I want to capture all the wonderful little ways he talks:
"Mommy, whaddya-doindere?" (What are you doing there?) to check on me.
"C'mon, Mommy, build/draw/truck/cars/sit."
"Mommy shower. Mommy all done shower. My shower too! Mommy dressed."
Anytime he wants something he will say "My hungry/step/jump/car/drive/draw/watch/etc too."
Now that he listens to what we say all the time I realize I'm a loud driver. He will shout behind me:
"GO CAR GO!!!!" "C'mon!!!" ....Gotta watch that, huh?
He has started to take what he sees on the few cartoons he watches and actually talk about them throughout the day. He likes watching Caillou, which is a Canadian cartoon featuring a 4-year-old bald kid named Caillou. I don't know why this kid doesn't have any hair, and he whines a lot, but often the show teaches good points. Anyway, there's a set of twins that Caillou has as neighbors in the show named Jason and Jeffrey. Jack will talk about them while playing with cars or blocks.
"Hi Caillou! Hi Jason! Hi Jeffrey! Jason and Jeffrey house. Jason and Jeffrey eat. Pizza..."
It's cute that he has started to carry things with him like that
He intently watches John play video games. I have mixed feelings about it, but if it's not gory and there's no foul language then I mind less. Jack will intently look for his "troller" (controller) so he can help Daddy play, or just cut to the chase and grab one of his plastic water guns or Pirate of the Caribbean Disney pistol and shoot the bad guys, even going so far as to whirl his hands around where you'd put the powder as if to load it. Pretty much anything sticklike he will use as a weapon though. It doesn't take much!
That's it for this week!
Little love, I can't wait to hold you after work today!
Tiny love, I am so glad my belly is holding you now...but I can't wait to have you in my arms!
Friday, October 8, 2010
33 weeks: Lots of emotion (whining)
Please forgive the complete disregard for order in this post. Many of you may be used to it and wouldn't have noticed anything unusual, but I felt apologetic for once. Which leads to the topic of emotion.
I am officially a mess. I am at a stage I recognize well, where I am emotional, unrealistic and have low self-esteem. I am not writing this so you will say, "Oh, Elaine, I never noticed your butt was big. It's just the pregnancy hormones. Don't worry...when you have two boys you won't ever get to sit down and it'll just work itself off." Thank you, imaginary comment. :\
What I mean is I am starting to dislike things about my body that I am normally able to just...well, ignore. Or give up on (read: accept). My front side now matches my backside, but the back isn't cute. I mean, no one is squealing with delight and asking to rub my bottom in any capacity. But that's okay. I'm at peace with that.
I dislike my hair, which is stupid since my hair is great with all the hormones and my body's "hold-on-to-every-strand"ishness that comes with this baby bump.
I feel very plain when I see myself in photos. Maybe I'm really getting to the topic of self-esteem rather than emotion? I'm proud of my belly, my baby, my family, my home (if you don't look in any other room but the one I sit you down in). Just not really myself today. It's just not working for me.
At least I don't have any new stretch marks.
Yet.
But my belly button looks weird. It sticks out at the top, but sinks in at the bottom. It's as if it wants to be an outie but the incredible WEIGHT from my baby/souvenir-from-Jack-and-last-Christmas is dragging it down.
OKAY! Enough. On to brighter subjects. Like how I'm doing psychologically. A real, page-scroller, you can guess.
I'm...well, stressed. Okay, I'm happy, but stressed. Anxious? There's a lot to worry about, mostly manufactured worries in my head.
*Money. 'Nuff said. Why can't I substitute teach with a newborn? LOL I canNOT imagine nursing in front of 20 teenage boys. Nope!
*How will I ever get Jack to bed early enough so John and I can actually spend some quality time together? Schedules don't stick...our days change and it all depends on whether he has a nap. Sometimes he doesn't nap but is firmly against going to sleep after he's become delirious, dramatic and angry (or is that me?). Sometimes he konks out in the 1/2 mile between my mom's house and mine and he is thus unrousable for 90 minutes. Then John is asleep before Jack falls asleep and I feel like my evening was wasted. How will this work with the new baby?
*I am a defeated nester. Read that as: constantly irritated by the condition of my home but stopped short by my utter lack of energy by the time I'm home. The rental we're in came with big stains in the carpet and I can't STAND IT!!! It's getting worse as I get closer to my due date. One day I may just rip it all out. Just kidding, John.
*We aren't eating healthy enough. I feel like I've failed taking care of this baby as opposed to how I took care of Jack in utero. I'm lucky if I take my prenatals some days and with Jack I was downing (healthy) pills like an addict. I'm afraid of the potential guilt I'll have if this baby isn't as healthy.
*I wandered too far in the Internet universe and found websites and stories the broke my heart about certain little babies. In the words of Cookie Monster, "That DUMB thing to do!!!" Now I have more fears, or at least my heart cries out to the families and I wonder why I am so blessed to have Jack and been able to hold and giggle and snuggle him for so long.
(You realize with Jack I kept a private diary on my computer and with this one I haven't had time or made the effort or some other guilt-inducing excuse, so this is why you're reading all this crap.)
Physically, I'm doing as well as I'd expected. I feel "trimmer" than with Jack, but that's probably just because now that I've BEEN pregnant, I am expecting my whale-shaped figure to return. I'm more like an orca this time. I know that counteracts all the self-esteem stuff I said at the beginning, saying I'm smaller when I just whined to you about how big I am. Shut up.
I get lots of twinges and sharp pains, "welded" joints when I stay in a position too long and back pain. I usually only get headaches when I work at Littlerock High. Interesting. I get heartburn a lot...I think my stomach is actually located just below my throat. If I bend down to pick something up, I feel heartburn. Ridiculous!
This tiny bear is more like a wildcat. A wildcat that's been poked with sticks. He moves ALL the time. Big, sweeping body twirls. Tiny, piercing elbow drags. Weird hand movements. The loud cries. Just making sure you're paying attention. ;) But, really, if I'm TOO hungry, then he is a tornado of hungry anger. He will kick and punch and twirl and make it KNOWN that he is not happy. Or maybe my stomach is empty and he's taking advantage of the extra centimeter of space. Never thought of that... Either way, I am terrified to think about taking too long to nurse this little kid!
I have more to write on my little baby bear but I'll save it for next week...suffice it to say that he's adorable and precocious and I'm in love with him, even if he's always futilely challenging my authority. And he found a permanent marker a few days ago. But he's my joy, my favorite (for now), my love.
I am officially a mess. I am at a stage I recognize well, where I am emotional, unrealistic and have low self-esteem. I am not writing this so you will say, "Oh, Elaine, I never noticed your butt was big. It's just the pregnancy hormones. Don't worry...when you have two boys you won't ever get to sit down and it'll just work itself off." Thank you, imaginary comment. :\
What I mean is I am starting to dislike things about my body that I am normally able to just...well, ignore. Or give up on (read: accept). My front side now matches my backside, but the back isn't cute. I mean, no one is squealing with delight and asking to rub my bottom in any capacity. But that's okay. I'm at peace with that.
I dislike my hair, which is stupid since my hair is great with all the hormones and my body's "hold-on-to-every-strand"ishness that comes with this baby bump.
I feel very plain when I see myself in photos. Maybe I'm really getting to the topic of self-esteem rather than emotion? I'm proud of my belly, my baby, my family, my home (if you don't look in any other room but the one I sit you down in). Just not really myself today. It's just not working for me.
At least I don't have any new stretch marks.
Yet.
But my belly button looks weird. It sticks out at the top, but sinks in at the bottom. It's as if it wants to be an outie but the incredible WEIGHT from my baby/souvenir-from-Jack-and-last-Christmas is dragging it down.
OKAY! Enough. On to brighter subjects. Like how I'm doing psychologically. A real, page-scroller, you can guess.
I'm...well, stressed. Okay, I'm happy, but stressed. Anxious? There's a lot to worry about, mostly manufactured worries in my head.
*Money. 'Nuff said. Why can't I substitute teach with a newborn? LOL I canNOT imagine nursing in front of 20 teenage boys. Nope!
*How will I ever get Jack to bed early enough so John and I can actually spend some quality time together? Schedules don't stick...our days change and it all depends on whether he has a nap. Sometimes he doesn't nap but is firmly against going to sleep after he's become delirious, dramatic and angry (or is that me?). Sometimes he konks out in the 1/2 mile between my mom's house and mine and he is thus unrousable for 90 minutes. Then John is asleep before Jack falls asleep and I feel like my evening was wasted. How will this work with the new baby?
*I am a defeated nester. Read that as: constantly irritated by the condition of my home but stopped short by my utter lack of energy by the time I'm home. The rental we're in came with big stains in the carpet and I can't STAND IT!!! It's getting worse as I get closer to my due date. One day I may just rip it all out. Just kidding, John.
*We aren't eating healthy enough. I feel like I've failed taking care of this baby as opposed to how I took care of Jack in utero. I'm lucky if I take my prenatals some days and with Jack I was downing (healthy) pills like an addict. I'm afraid of the potential guilt I'll have if this baby isn't as healthy.
*I wandered too far in the Internet universe and found websites and stories the broke my heart about certain little babies. In the words of Cookie Monster, "That DUMB thing to do!!!" Now I have more fears, or at least my heart cries out to the families and I wonder why I am so blessed to have Jack and been able to hold and giggle and snuggle him for so long.
(You realize with Jack I kept a private diary on my computer and with this one I haven't had time or made the effort or some other guilt-inducing excuse, so this is why you're reading all this crap.)
Physically, I'm doing as well as I'd expected. I feel "trimmer" than with Jack, but that's probably just because now that I've BEEN pregnant, I am expecting my whale-shaped figure to return. I'm more like an orca this time. I know that counteracts all the self-esteem stuff I said at the beginning, saying I'm smaller when I just whined to you about how big I am. Shut up.
I get lots of twinges and sharp pains, "welded" joints when I stay in a position too long and back pain. I usually only get headaches when I work at Littlerock High. Interesting. I get heartburn a lot...I think my stomach is actually located just below my throat. If I bend down to pick something up, I feel heartburn. Ridiculous!
This tiny bear is more like a wildcat. A wildcat that's been poked with sticks. He moves ALL the time. Big, sweeping body twirls. Tiny, piercing elbow drags. Weird hand movements. The loud cries. Just making sure you're paying attention. ;) But, really, if I'm TOO hungry, then he is a tornado of hungry anger. He will kick and punch and twirl and make it KNOWN that he is not happy. Or maybe my stomach is empty and he's taking advantage of the extra centimeter of space. Never thought of that... Either way, I am terrified to think about taking too long to nurse this little kid!
I have more to write on my little baby bear but I'll save it for next week...suffice it to say that he's adorable and precocious and I'm in love with him, even if he's always futilely challenging my authority. And he found a permanent marker a few days ago. But he's my joy, my favorite (for now), my love.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
32 weeks: My hiccupping jicama
Alas, I forgot to blog about last week, so I will catch up.
I have a hiccupping jicama. They say he's a jicama-sized kiddo and just when we made the discovery, the hiccups soon followed! Sort of natural, no?
I don't have much to say, since what I want to say applies to week 33, but I wanted his sweet little week documented, even if it is a grossly inadequate record.
Love you, tiny bear. For you see we have a Daddy bear, a Mama bear and a baby bear already (toddler bear sounds stupid), so you have to be tiny bear. I guess the next one will have to be a girl so we can call her Goldilocks. :)
I have a hiccupping jicama. They say he's a jicama-sized kiddo and just when we made the discovery, the hiccups soon followed! Sort of natural, no?
I don't have much to say, since what I want to say applies to week 33, but I wanted his sweet little week documented, even if it is a grossly inadequate record.
Love you, tiny bear. For you see we have a Daddy bear, a Mama bear and a baby bear already (toddler bear sounds stupid), so you have to be tiny bear. I guess the next one will have to be a girl so we can call her Goldilocks. :)
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