Please forgive the complete disregard for order in this post. Many of you may be used to it and wouldn't have noticed anything unusual, but I felt apologetic for once. Which leads to the topic of emotion.
I am officially a mess. I am at a stage I recognize well, where I am emotional, unrealistic and have low self-esteem. I am not writing this so you will say, "Oh, Elaine, I never noticed your butt was big. It's just the pregnancy hormones. Don't worry...when you have two boys you won't ever get to sit down and it'll just work itself off." Thank you, imaginary comment. :\
What I mean is I am starting to dislike things about my body that I am normally able to just...well, ignore. Or give up on (read: accept). My front side now matches my backside, but the back isn't cute. I mean, no one is squealing with delight and asking to rub my bottom in any capacity. But that's okay. I'm at peace with that.
I dislike my hair, which is stupid since my hair is great with all the hormones and my body's "hold-on-to-every-strand"ishness that comes with this baby bump.
I feel very plain when I see myself in photos. Maybe I'm really getting to the topic of self-esteem rather than emotion? I'm proud of my belly, my baby, my family, my home (if you don't look in any other room but the one I sit you down in). Just not really myself today. It's just not working for me.
At least I don't have any new stretch marks.
Yet.
But my belly button looks weird. It sticks out at the top, but sinks in at the bottom. It's as if it wants to be an outie but the incredible WEIGHT from my baby/souvenir-from-Jack-and-last-Christmas is dragging it down.
OKAY! Enough. On to brighter subjects. Like how I'm doing psychologically. A real, page-scroller, you can guess.
I'm...well, stressed. Okay, I'm happy, but stressed. Anxious? There's a lot to worry about, mostly manufactured worries in my head.
*Money. 'Nuff said. Why can't I substitute teach with a newborn? LOL I canNOT imagine nursing in front of 20 teenage boys. Nope!
*How will I ever get Jack to bed early enough so John and I can actually spend some quality time together? Schedules don't stick...our days change and it all depends on whether he has a nap. Sometimes he doesn't nap but is firmly against going to sleep after he's become delirious, dramatic and angry (or is that me?). Sometimes he konks out in the 1/2 mile between my mom's house and mine and he is thus unrousable for 90 minutes. Then John is asleep before Jack falls asleep and I feel like my evening was wasted. How will this work with the new baby?
*I am a defeated nester. Read that as: constantly irritated by the condition of my home but stopped short by my utter lack of energy by the time I'm home. The rental we're in came with big stains in the carpet and I can't STAND IT!!! It's getting worse as I get closer to my due date. One day I may just rip it all out. Just kidding, John.
*We aren't eating healthy enough. I feel like I've failed taking care of this baby as opposed to how I took care of Jack in utero. I'm lucky if I take my prenatals some days and with Jack I was downing (healthy) pills like an addict. I'm afraid of the potential guilt I'll have if this baby isn't as healthy.
*I wandered too far in the Internet universe and found websites and stories the broke my heart about certain little babies. In the words of Cookie Monster, "That DUMB thing to do!!!" Now I have more fears, or at least my heart cries out to the families and I wonder why I am so blessed to have Jack and been able to hold and giggle and snuggle him for so long.
(You realize with Jack I kept a private diary on my computer and with this one I haven't had time or made the effort or some other guilt-inducing excuse, so this is why you're reading all this crap.)
Physically, I'm doing as well as I'd expected. I feel "trimmer" than with Jack, but that's probably just because now that I've BEEN pregnant, I am expecting my whale-shaped figure to return. I'm more like an orca this time. I know that counteracts all the self-esteem stuff I said at the beginning, saying I'm smaller when I just whined to you about how big I am. Shut up.
I get lots of twinges and sharp pains, "welded" joints when I stay in a position too long and back pain. I usually only get headaches when I work at Littlerock High. Interesting. I get heartburn a lot...I think my stomach is actually located just below my throat. If I bend down to pick something up, I feel heartburn. Ridiculous!
This tiny bear is more like a wildcat. A wildcat that's been poked with sticks. He moves ALL the time. Big, sweeping body twirls. Tiny, piercing elbow drags. Weird hand movements. The loud cries. Just making sure you're paying attention. ;) But, really, if I'm TOO hungry, then he is a tornado of hungry anger. He will kick and punch and twirl and make it KNOWN that he is not happy. Or maybe my stomach is empty and he's taking advantage of the extra centimeter of space. Never thought of that... Either way, I am terrified to think about taking too long to nurse this little kid!
I have more to write on my little baby bear but I'll save it for next week...suffice it to say that he's adorable and precocious and I'm in love with him, even if he's always futilely challenging my authority. And he found a permanent marker a few days ago. But he's my joy, my favorite (for now), my love.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
32 weeks: My hiccupping jicama
Alas, I forgot to blog about last week, so I will catch up.
I have a hiccupping jicama. They say he's a jicama-sized kiddo and just when we made the discovery, the hiccups soon followed! Sort of natural, no?
I don't have much to say, since what I want to say applies to week 33, but I wanted his sweet little week documented, even if it is a grossly inadequate record.
Love you, tiny bear. For you see we have a Daddy bear, a Mama bear and a baby bear already (toddler bear sounds stupid), so you have to be tiny bear. I guess the next one will have to be a girl so we can call her Goldilocks. :)
I have a hiccupping jicama. They say he's a jicama-sized kiddo and just when we made the discovery, the hiccups soon followed! Sort of natural, no?
I don't have much to say, since what I want to say applies to week 33, but I wanted his sweet little week documented, even if it is a grossly inadequate record.
Love you, tiny bear. For you see we have a Daddy bear, a Mama bear and a baby bear already (toddler bear sounds stupid), so you have to be tiny bear. I guess the next one will have to be a girl so we can call her Goldilocks. :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
30 Weeks: Bulldozer Baby
This baby is moving and turning and kicking and all sorts of things all day long. I love it. It's so nice to be reminded of this little life within me throughout the day. How strange to hae a living being within me! He is head-down already and I know right where his feet are...right at the top of my belly! There is a spot I can push and he almost always pushes right back. I'm happy that he's already in position and "organized" although I know he could move. It DOES makes me think about what I don't have ready yet if this baby comes early... Honestly I'm glad that this is my second baby because I am relaxed enough to know that there is only half an hour between being unprepared and having a pack of newborn diapers and the bassinet set up. :) What a blessing to be a mama-to-be for the second time!
Our biggest hurdle right now is simply picking a name. We have some options on our list, but we haven't settled on anything concrete. We have a name pool going so people can bet $5 on possible combinations from our lists and could possibly win a lot of money if they're right! (Contact Jill Moran or Melissa Jackson Pleer on my friend list for the chart and more details.) Of course, now that I've given them my first and middle name lists, I keep hearing other names that I'm not opposed to. I'm going to mess it all up, I know it. LOL
I am feeling pretty good now. I walk a little slower and occasionally I have aches and pains that feel quite foreign to me, but nothing impossible to bear. Painting my toenails is a long ordeal because I have to pause and lean back for air! The polish definitely has time to dry between coats! I think so far the hardest things for me are having the energy/willpower to keep up with housecleaning, to turn over in the middle of the night or get up period, and--honestly--to put on pants!
I will say that it seems to be much harder this time around to take good care of myself. I think it's because I'm doing so much more than during Jack's pregnancy that I forget. I forget prenatal vitamins occasionally. I forget to drink enough water. I forget to eat lots of protein. I DO however feel much more confident in my ability to get through this labor. I have studied much more about labor to realize what my uterus is doing and how to relax through a contraction (efficiency is yet to be seen, of course, but I'm so excited about the Bradley method!). I feel more confident that I WILL survive the actual delivery and very sure of what I want to happen/not happen during my labor/birth, barring honest complications. That helps to overcome the anxiety that lingers over the hospital birth issue.
That's about it this week! I'm so happy to be a mama!
Our biggest hurdle right now is simply picking a name. We have some options on our list, but we haven't settled on anything concrete. We have a name pool going so people can bet $5 on possible combinations from our lists and could possibly win a lot of money if they're right! (Contact Jill Moran or Melissa Jackson Pleer on my friend list for the chart and more details.) Of course, now that I've given them my first and middle name lists, I keep hearing other names that I'm not opposed to. I'm going to mess it all up, I know it. LOL
I am feeling pretty good now. I walk a little slower and occasionally I have aches and pains that feel quite foreign to me, but nothing impossible to bear. Painting my toenails is a long ordeal because I have to pause and lean back for air! The polish definitely has time to dry between coats! I think so far the hardest things for me are having the energy/willpower to keep up with housecleaning, to turn over in the middle of the night or get up period, and--honestly--to put on pants!
I will say that it seems to be much harder this time around to take good care of myself. I think it's because I'm doing so much more than during Jack's pregnancy that I forget. I forget prenatal vitamins occasionally. I forget to drink enough water. I forget to eat lots of protein. I DO however feel much more confident in my ability to get through this labor. I have studied much more about labor to realize what my uterus is doing and how to relax through a contraction (efficiency is yet to be seen, of course, but I'm so excited about the Bradley method!). I feel more confident that I WILL survive the actual delivery and very sure of what I want to happen/not happen during my labor/birth, barring honest complications. That helps to overcome the anxiety that lingers over the hospital birth issue.
That's about it this week! I'm so happy to be a mama!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
29 weeks: To-dos pile up as I slow down
I am officially starting to slow down. Or, rather, become encumbered with this belly. I'm waddling about, amazed that this belly will get BIGGER, amazed that, as our little weekly baby update tells us, this baby will probably triple it's current weight of about 3 lbs. !!! I am amazed that these weeks are flying by and my time of "rest" (insert maniacal laughter here) is coming so quickly!
I'm worrying about all the normal things: going through labor again, going to the hospital this time and how that experience will be, the what-to-dos with Jack when that time comes, the financial end of the whole thing, taking care of TWO instead of one. I know I'm not alone in these worries and not all of these will be resolved as this baby appears. But I have had an overwhelming peace for the past, oh, three months. I don't get it and I could attribute it on pregnancy hormones or a positive attitude or what have you, but I really have to give God the credit for this. See, I'm a chronic worrier by nature and somehow when I think about my ten days of bedrest with Jack or when the van's registration bill comes in the mail, all that professional worrying has been reduced to a shrug and a seemingly-naive "It'll all work out" in my head. So that's gotta be God, cause it's not me!
Business is good...building slowly. Having a small business is quite a tangle of things to do and keep up with and while I'm grateful for the break to reevaluate and spend time with my family, the over-achiever in me wants to book portrait sessions on my due date. Yes, I'm also crazy. I'm just really excited at the idea of being able to work from home, even if it's harder work than babysitting teenagers six times a day. (More work, but much more respect...I'm *hoping* no one really calls me a *itch at a photo shoot, but I've gotten that in the classrom!) I am most excited about supporting my family doing something I love, something that brings joy to other people and is a positive thing to add to the world!
That's about all that's going on this week. The next week will be here before I know it, but only 11 weeks left...maybe less!
I'm worrying about all the normal things: going through labor again, going to the hospital this time and how that experience will be, the what-to-dos with Jack when that time comes, the financial end of the whole thing, taking care of TWO instead of one. I know I'm not alone in these worries and not all of these will be resolved as this baby appears. But I have had an overwhelming peace for the past, oh, three months. I don't get it and I could attribute it on pregnancy hormones or a positive attitude or what have you, but I really have to give God the credit for this. See, I'm a chronic worrier by nature and somehow when I think about my ten days of bedrest with Jack or when the van's registration bill comes in the mail, all that professional worrying has been reduced to a shrug and a seemingly-naive "It'll all work out" in my head. So that's gotta be God, cause it's not me!
Business is good...building slowly. Having a small business is quite a tangle of things to do and keep up with and while I'm grateful for the break to reevaluate and spend time with my family, the over-achiever in me wants to book portrait sessions on my due date. Yes, I'm also crazy. I'm just really excited at the idea of being able to work from home, even if it's harder work than babysitting teenagers six times a day. (More work, but much more respect...I'm *hoping* no one really calls me a *itch at a photo shoot, but I've gotten that in the classrom!) I am most excited about supporting my family doing something I love, something that brings joy to other people and is a positive thing to add to the world!
That's about all that's going on this week. The next week will be here before I know it, but only 11 weeks left...maybe less!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
28 weeks: How can this be?
This week my baby is the size of cauliflower or Chinese cabbage--sources conflict. . But I'm in my THIRD trimester--how could this happen so quickly? Surely Jack is partially to blame. I can't just sit and marvel quite at this new love as much as I did with him. I'm already catching on that my life is really going to change again and the constant conversation at home will probably not even include John or I!
Jack is learning and growing at an exponential rate. It's really extraordinary. I can't keep up and I guess that's okay.
Here are some recent "snapshots" of Jack:
*He will shout "Truck!" "Car"! "BIG truck!" "Baby truck!" "Firetruck!" "Bus!" from the car as we drive around.
*He will often say "Mommy" over and over with no discernible reason for doing so. I can answer him each time or not and the repetition stays the same. I like to think he likes to say my name and see me smile at him expectantly.
*Regarding names: If I don't answer to "Mommy" right away, he will bellow "Laaaaaane" to mimic dear Daddy who will do the same thing when I am running late or Daddy is running early.
*He often runs to me, lifts my shirt and kisses "the baby"...which has sometimes turned into him licking my tummy, but I don't quite get that. LOL
*He loves Rex (from Toy Story) and hugs the one Lollie got him, insisting on taking him nearly everywhere. The only other substitute is a white Mommy bear or white Baby bear that someone got us at some point.
*Yesterday he had Rice Krispies with cut up strawberries in it. He doesn't like food mixed or touching (thank you, John), but apparently if I leave him alone long enough, he stops protesting and eats it.
*When we are getting ready to leave, Jack asks, "Home?" meaning he wants to leave home. When we're out and he's ready to leave, he asks the same thing.
*Whenever we leave home or arrive home he wants to pick a "purry fower"...one of the little clover flowers or dandelions that pepper our lawn. Then, invariably, he will behead the flower, exclaim, "Fower brok-key (broken)" and toss both pieces in the car or on the ground.
*He will grab living spiders and hand them to me as they squirm and fight for life. Yesterday he grabbed a Daddy Long Legs and said, "Mommy! O-puss! (Octopus)" Sheesh! I don't want him to be terribly scared of bugs but a little fear would be appreciated. At least before he tries to hand me a black widow or brown recluse.
*In the evening I will strip him down to nothing and let him run around the backyard, so he can go "swimming"...which is just him trying to splash around and make the biggest mess possible in 4" of water in a plastic kiddie pool. Then he runs around and tries to throw things at poor Brownie girl. Jack has started asking for this at all times of the day, saying, "Daddy home? Swimming?"
*Late at night, more nights than not, Jack will wake up, open his door and come into ours. Our ginormous Cal King bed is a little high for him to climb into without help, so he will pat my back or arm and ask, "Mommy? Mommy? THIS bed?" Then in my sleep-induced stupor I may pull him over me to sleep in between Daddy and I or be a wise Mama and heave myself up, take his tiny hand in mine and take him to his room. He will climb in bed and I will cover him, then I'll sit on the floor with my arms and head his bed until he falls asleep. Yawn. Then I go back to bed and pray that the alarm doesn't ring in 10 minutes.
*With much much MUCH harrassment, Jack is starting to understand that he can play with toys from the toy box or his Mega Blocks...and has to put one away to get the other. Otherwise the living room becomes a vertible mine field of pain.
Here are some recent "snapshots" of Baby:
*He kicks like a punter. Not painful yet, just surprising. Whenever I stop moving, he'll take a turn. This is so much fun! I love that I can enjoy him whenever I rest.
*No stretch marks yet (not counting the tiger-mauling that Jack already provided this belly).
*My belly is huge. Much bigger than I thought I was at the same time with Jack. It doesn't feel like there's anymore room to my stomach or give to my skin (see STRETCH MARKS).
*I am starting to freak out now...not a full-out panic, but I'm definitely aware that HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY! More specifically, I have to go through LABOR AGAIN. And at the hospital this time, which is NOT a relieving thought in my mind. And I have to RECOVER from labor. Ugh. I hope things go smoothly.
*I eat and drink more when I'm at work than when I'm at home. Doesn't make any sense.
*I waddle. Have for like, four months. Maybe I just gave up.
*I have a few spider veins. That's gross, but not as gross as vericose veins, so I'm grateful.
*I have all the boy clothes I could ever want, so PLEASE don't buy me any. I need diapers and a new crib mattress and a nursing pump and cash. That's just about it.
To Jack:
Little love, you are everything to me. For now, I love you the best--I can say that! I love your big grin and how you say "rEEEEEEEad-a-book" and for your Mommy-esque love of cereal. I love the little curls that fight against this mainstream haircut to come out. I love your giggles...and how you giggle when I SAY giggle. You are fun 99% of the time and I can take 1% of anything for all of that. THANK YOU for being the baby I got, for this perfect, God-given combination of John and I and so much more that neither of us could have given you ourselves. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Mama
To Baby:
I am waiting for your arrival, but I don't have to wait long! Only 12 weeks until we're close to showtime! And what if you come earlier? Wow! This pregnancy has gone so fast. I hope you're doing great in there, though your ultrasound 8 weeks ago looked perfect and your kicks and bumps and swirls tell me you are just as active as your brother. I am always in awe that I have a PERSON inside me...that you will come out and cry and nurse and learn to talk and walk just like Jack did. I am in awe that you will have your own personality--perhaps like or perhaps completely unlike us or your brother. It's hard to imagine that we can make a different combination...that it won't just be another Jack. But I'm glad for it. That would be fun, but boring at the same time. I am excited to see your scrunchy face and pack the pounds on you through our many, many nursing sessions. Grow strong, sweet one. I have so much to show you!
Mama
Jack is learning and growing at an exponential rate. It's really extraordinary. I can't keep up and I guess that's okay.
Here are some recent "snapshots" of Jack:
*He will shout "Truck!" "Car"! "BIG truck!" "Baby truck!" "Firetruck!" "Bus!" from the car as we drive around.
*He will often say "Mommy" over and over with no discernible reason for doing so. I can answer him each time or not and the repetition stays the same. I like to think he likes to say my name and see me smile at him expectantly.
*Regarding names: If I don't answer to "Mommy" right away, he will bellow "Laaaaaane" to mimic dear Daddy who will do the same thing when I am running late or Daddy is running early.
*He often runs to me, lifts my shirt and kisses "the baby"...which has sometimes turned into him licking my tummy, but I don't quite get that. LOL
*He loves Rex (from Toy Story) and hugs the one Lollie got him, insisting on taking him nearly everywhere. The only other substitute is a white Mommy bear or white Baby bear that someone got us at some point.
*Yesterday he had Rice Krispies with cut up strawberries in it. He doesn't like food mixed or touching (thank you, John), but apparently if I leave him alone long enough, he stops protesting and eats it.
*When we are getting ready to leave, Jack asks, "Home?" meaning he wants to leave home. When we're out and he's ready to leave, he asks the same thing.
*Whenever we leave home or arrive home he wants to pick a "purry fower"...one of the little clover flowers or dandelions that pepper our lawn. Then, invariably, he will behead the flower, exclaim, "Fower brok-key (broken)" and toss both pieces in the car or on the ground.
*He will grab living spiders and hand them to me as they squirm and fight for life. Yesterday he grabbed a Daddy Long Legs and said, "Mommy! O-puss! (Octopus)" Sheesh! I don't want him to be terribly scared of bugs but a little fear would be appreciated. At least before he tries to hand me a black widow or brown recluse.
*In the evening I will strip him down to nothing and let him run around the backyard, so he can go "swimming"...which is just him trying to splash around and make the biggest mess possible in 4" of water in a plastic kiddie pool. Then he runs around and tries to throw things at poor Brownie girl. Jack has started asking for this at all times of the day, saying, "Daddy home? Swimming?"
*Late at night, more nights than not, Jack will wake up, open his door and come into ours. Our ginormous Cal King bed is a little high for him to climb into without help, so he will pat my back or arm and ask, "Mommy? Mommy? THIS bed?" Then in my sleep-induced stupor I may pull him over me to sleep in between Daddy and I or be a wise Mama and heave myself up, take his tiny hand in mine and take him to his room. He will climb in bed and I will cover him, then I'll sit on the floor with my arms and head his bed until he falls asleep. Yawn. Then I go back to bed and pray that the alarm doesn't ring in 10 minutes.
*With much much MUCH harrassment, Jack is starting to understand that he can play with toys from the toy box or his Mega Blocks...and has to put one away to get the other. Otherwise the living room becomes a vertible mine field of pain.
Here are some recent "snapshots" of Baby:
*He kicks like a punter. Not painful yet, just surprising. Whenever I stop moving, he'll take a turn. This is so much fun! I love that I can enjoy him whenever I rest.
*No stretch marks yet (not counting the tiger-mauling that Jack already provided this belly).
*My belly is huge. Much bigger than I thought I was at the same time with Jack. It doesn't feel like there's anymore room to my stomach or give to my skin (see STRETCH MARKS).
*I am starting to freak out now...not a full-out panic, but I'm definitely aware that HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY! More specifically, I have to go through LABOR AGAIN. And at the hospital this time, which is NOT a relieving thought in my mind. And I have to RECOVER from labor. Ugh. I hope things go smoothly.
*I eat and drink more when I'm at work than when I'm at home. Doesn't make any sense.
*I waddle. Have for like, four months. Maybe I just gave up.
*I have a few spider veins. That's gross, but not as gross as vericose veins, so I'm grateful.
*I have all the boy clothes I could ever want, so PLEASE don't buy me any. I need diapers and a new crib mattress and a nursing pump and cash. That's just about it.
To Jack:
Little love, you are everything to me. For now, I love you the best--I can say that! I love your big grin and how you say "rEEEEEEEad-a-book" and for your Mommy-esque love of cereal. I love the little curls that fight against this mainstream haircut to come out. I love your giggles...and how you giggle when I SAY giggle. You are fun 99% of the time and I can take 1% of anything for all of that. THANK YOU for being the baby I got, for this perfect, God-given combination of John and I and so much more that neither of us could have given you ourselves. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Mama
To Baby:
I am waiting for your arrival, but I don't have to wait long! Only 12 weeks until we're close to showtime! And what if you come earlier? Wow! This pregnancy has gone so fast. I hope you're doing great in there, though your ultrasound 8 weeks ago looked perfect and your kicks and bumps and swirls tell me you are just as active as your brother. I am always in awe that I have a PERSON inside me...that you will come out and cry and nurse and learn to talk and walk just like Jack did. I am in awe that you will have your own personality--perhaps like or perhaps completely unlike us or your brother. It's hard to imagine that we can make a different combination...that it won't just be another Jack. But I'm glad for it. That would be fun, but boring at the same time. I am excited to see your scrunchy face and pack the pounds on you through our many, many nursing sessions. Grow strong, sweet one. I have so much to show you!
Mama
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
21 weeks: Pregnant and everyone knows it
I really do feel sad for women who have a difficult pregnancy or who do not like being pregnant. I'm not saying pregnancy is a piece of cake. There are plenty of things I don't care for while they're happening: morning sickness (which ranges from a rumbly tummy to dry heaves to full-out losing all your stomach acid and anything else in there), random joint pain (which for me usually consists of my hips acting like they've welded shut after being in one position for awhile), random ligament pain, an overall feeling of barn-like proportions, kissing my feet goodbye for a few months, an intolerance for Jack's whining about me not being physically able to pick him up and carry him everywhere, etc. etc. etc.
But I LOVE being pregnant. I really really do.
I appreciate the lack of expectation from others. No one really expects me to do a whole lot of lifting, carrying, dieting, strenuous exercising, yard work, housework. Okay, not true. I can't get out of housework or dirty laundry, toys and smashed Goldfish crackers would eat us alive. But I can get people to lift the dog food into my cart and even lift it into my car without looking or feeling like a lazy bum. Pregnancy appeals to my lazy side.
I appreciate the knowing smiles I now get as people look at my face, down to my belly, then back at my face. It's the "aw, a pregnant lady" look that is not annoying to me at all. It's not like the "Oh, you have a HUGE mole on your face/peg leg/tattoo of a naked girl on your rotund gut! Okay, I'm not going to look, don't look, don't look--agh! Had to look." look. Also I am already on the curvy side, so I think that this is one period of my life when the front legitimately balances out the back guilt-free. So pregnancy appeals to my pride as well.
I appreciate the attention I get. Yes, this may be related to pride, but all in all I think it relates to my self-esteem. I try to act like I have plenty of "esteem" and confidence, just like all of you women reading this. But we are little liars, aren't we? We know about the cellulite hiding within the walls of those jeans. We walk quickly by the mirror after we get out of the shower and pray that we had the water hot enough to fog it up in case we steal a glance despite ourselves. We are flaw-finders, in ourselves and in others. A nasty, ugly habit. So to have people in a general state of awe, glee and respect for my bulgy, swollen, overheated body is pretty much one of the biggest boosts I can get any day of my life. If I try to get the same enthusiasm out of people when my kids are in high school, trust me it won't happen. So pregnancy appeals to my self-image.
I appreciate life more. Who can honestly say they aren't in total awe of life in general when they're pregnant? God lets us make our own people!!! I know that sounds kind of childish, but I think it's amazing that God gives us partial credit in this process. And that, each time, He somehow manages to take the best of mom and dad genetically and blend them together into a child. I mean, I tried one of those "upload your photos and see what kind of kid you'd make" and apparently without God's help my child would always look like a transvestite. Seriously. it looked like me with an Adam's apple and a five o'clock shadow. People begged me to take it off myspace. So I am in awe of the whole process, especially when the kid is OUT and you think "If someone said they had to put this IN me I'd say NO WAY!!! It'll never fit!" And somehow it did. So pregnancy appeals to my optimism.
I appreciate my body more. I mean, I actively strive to take care of myself as a top-three priority. Now I'm actually thinking about things like "I need to eat protein within the hour" and "I will just have a sliver of chocolate cake. Really." I'll even keep track of my water intake, which I never usually do. I usually just drink when I'm thirsty and that's about it. So pregnancy appeals to my body as a whole.
--------
Jack is growing by leaps and bounds...literally. He jumps everywhere. Women stop me and tell me how gorgeous he is and never, EVER cut his hair. All those golden locks entrance women young and old. That's it--I'm shaving his head when he hits puberty.
He was so good today...we went into Bed, Bath & Beyond and didn't even get a cart...he just held my hand and we walked around the whole store. Then we walked down to Trader Joe's to look for asparagus, which was way too expensive, so we went to Petsmart and looked at all the "fishies" and "birdies" and "kitties." Then we saw one of the really long firetrucks, which Jack loved. We drove to Costco and we walked in the back to get asparagus, then Jack carried one of the bags up front alongside me...now isn't that adorable? I'm hoping it equals a good nap in a few minutes. :)
Baby #2 is growing and growing. I no longer look just chubby. I have a pronounced baby bump and am very happy to strut it around (because I would catch myself subconsciously sticking my gut out in public to accentuate the bump and now I don't have to.).
We found out a week ago today that baby is a boy! We are so very happy, and so VERY sure. My second son, ahem, takes after his brother in, um...well, there's just no question. (Baby girls take note, I guess, for 20 years down the line.)
I have felt him kick on several different occasions--just a flutter here and there, but it makes me so happy. He's got my placenta and a little "Jack-era" pudge to kick through, so he must be pretty strong already. Sources are confused as to whether he's a banana or a carrot, but he's between 11 oz and a full pound now. I believe the full pound. I've definitely grown a lot, even just this week.
I love you, my little ones. I can't fathom life without you.
But I LOVE being pregnant. I really really do.
I appreciate the lack of expectation from others. No one really expects me to do a whole lot of lifting, carrying, dieting, strenuous exercising, yard work, housework. Okay, not true. I can't get out of housework or dirty laundry, toys and smashed Goldfish crackers would eat us alive. But I can get people to lift the dog food into my cart and even lift it into my car without looking or feeling like a lazy bum. Pregnancy appeals to my lazy side.
I appreciate the knowing smiles I now get as people look at my face, down to my belly, then back at my face. It's the "aw, a pregnant lady" look that is not annoying to me at all. It's not like the "Oh, you have a HUGE mole on your face/peg leg/tattoo of a naked girl on your rotund gut! Okay, I'm not going to look, don't look, don't look--agh! Had to look." look. Also I am already on the curvy side, so I think that this is one period of my life when the front legitimately balances out the back guilt-free. So pregnancy appeals to my pride as well.
I appreciate the attention I get. Yes, this may be related to pride, but all in all I think it relates to my self-esteem. I try to act like I have plenty of "esteem" and confidence, just like all of you women reading this. But we are little liars, aren't we? We know about the cellulite hiding within the walls of those jeans. We walk quickly by the mirror after we get out of the shower and pray that we had the water hot enough to fog it up in case we steal a glance despite ourselves. We are flaw-finders, in ourselves and in others. A nasty, ugly habit. So to have people in a general state of awe, glee and respect for my bulgy, swollen, overheated body is pretty much one of the biggest boosts I can get any day of my life. If I try to get the same enthusiasm out of people when my kids are in high school, trust me it won't happen. So pregnancy appeals to my self-image.
I appreciate life more. Who can honestly say they aren't in total awe of life in general when they're pregnant? God lets us make our own people!!! I know that sounds kind of childish, but I think it's amazing that God gives us partial credit in this process. And that, each time, He somehow manages to take the best of mom and dad genetically and blend them together into a child. I mean, I tried one of those "upload your photos and see what kind of kid you'd make" and apparently without God's help my child would always look like a transvestite. Seriously. it looked like me with an Adam's apple and a five o'clock shadow. People begged me to take it off myspace. So I am in awe of the whole process, especially when the kid is OUT and you think "If someone said they had to put this IN me I'd say NO WAY!!! It'll never fit!" And somehow it did. So pregnancy appeals to my optimism.
I appreciate my body more. I mean, I actively strive to take care of myself as a top-three priority. Now I'm actually thinking about things like "I need to eat protein within the hour" and "I will just have a sliver of chocolate cake. Really." I'll even keep track of my water intake, which I never usually do. I usually just drink when I'm thirsty and that's about it. So pregnancy appeals to my body as a whole.
--------
Jack is growing by leaps and bounds...literally. He jumps everywhere. Women stop me and tell me how gorgeous he is and never, EVER cut his hair. All those golden locks entrance women young and old. That's it--I'm shaving his head when he hits puberty.
He was so good today...we went into Bed, Bath & Beyond and didn't even get a cart...he just held my hand and we walked around the whole store. Then we walked down to Trader Joe's to look for asparagus, which was way too expensive, so we went to Petsmart and looked at all the "fishies" and "birdies" and "kitties." Then we saw one of the really long firetrucks, which Jack loved. We drove to Costco and we walked in the back to get asparagus, then Jack carried one of the bags up front alongside me...now isn't that adorable? I'm hoping it equals a good nap in a few minutes. :)
Baby #2 is growing and growing. I no longer look just chubby. I have a pronounced baby bump and am very happy to strut it around (because I would catch myself subconsciously sticking my gut out in public to accentuate the bump and now I don't have to.).
We found out a week ago today that baby is a boy! We are so very happy, and so VERY sure. My second son, ahem, takes after his brother in, um...well, there's just no question. (Baby girls take note, I guess, for 20 years down the line.)
I have felt him kick on several different occasions--just a flutter here and there, but it makes me so happy. He's got my placenta and a little "Jack-era" pudge to kick through, so he must be pretty strong already. Sources are confused as to whether he's a banana or a carrot, but he's between 11 oz and a full pound now. I believe the full pound. I've definitely grown a lot, even just this week.
I love you, my little ones. I can't fathom life without you.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Burning the midnight oil--well, I'm whining, honestly
I am having a lot of trouble sleeping during the past couple weeks. I don't sleep in any later, yet I'm finding myself up at ridiculous hours. It is 1:12 a.m. Jack has been asleep for about 90 minutes. John has been asleep since 10 p.m. I am exhausted, yet my mind keeps going, going, going.
Going about money.
Going about photography jobs I've got coming up.
Going about photography ideas I really want to play out but need willing subjects.
Going about photography equipment I think I need in order to get more photography jobs.
About the money I need for that.
So I need jobs.
And then there's housecleaning.
And all the things I want to do this summer...and it's already July, meaning I only have a month and half until school starts again (wahhhhhhhhh...).
Then I think about being huge and working again. Blech. But I am excited to work again because I need to chug out days and days and days from August to the middle of November so we can 1)pay monthly bills and 2) sock some money aside so we're not starving for a few months after the baby comes.
The toilet runs at random intervals and it's annoying. Sometimes it wakes up Jack.
And then there's worrying about my nutrition and Jack's, since I get lazy and don't fix/eat things I/we should sometimes. It was so much easier when Jack was inside me, quietly growing and I could THINK!
Then there's my office, which is the only room in the house that I really don't want anyone seeing because it's a DISASTER!!! (Anyone have a bookcase they can spare me? And a week of time to babysit so I can file 7 years of paperwork away PROPERLY?)
I haven't gotten the electric bill yet...I get it on my anniversary (July 9th)...ha ha ha. I am torn between sweating like a pig and not getting anything done out of sluggishness and passing out from seeing the bill because I chose to be comfortable. Ugh. Would have loved a swamp cooler.
The landlord is so much grumpier than any other we've had, so I don't dare ask for anything again, but there are ants, spiders and cockroaches. I've never had a landlord say they won't exterminate, that it's my problem, until now.
I need to put a firm handle on what we buy for food each month. I mean, everything that could possibly enter our mouths that's not free from someone else. Because the more random it is, the more expensive it is. And I have to overcome the laziness that is letting John grab a lunch out instead of packing one.
Then there's Jack and how he relies on me so ridiculously much that if my sisters (or John!) tries to give him something, he won't accept it unless they hand it to ME and I HAND IT TO HIM MYSELF!!! I need him to rely on John too, 'cause this new baby is going to be all Mama-clingy with the nursing/co-sleeping thing going on and I just can't have him needing me to do absolutely everything and crawling into bed sometime during the night. There's just no ROOM!
So I'm sure there are other things that bug me. Who can't think of just one or two or twenty more, seriously? But these are things that are on my mind now and it has helped to spit it all out for you. I think maybe I can sleep. G'night.
Going about money.
Going about photography jobs I've got coming up.
Going about photography ideas I really want to play out but need willing subjects.
Going about photography equipment I think I need in order to get more photography jobs.
About the money I need for that.
So I need jobs.
And then there's housecleaning.
And all the things I want to do this summer...and it's already July, meaning I only have a month and half until school starts again (wahhhhhhhhh...).
Then I think about being huge and working again. Blech. But I am excited to work again because I need to chug out days and days and days from August to the middle of November so we can 1)pay monthly bills and 2) sock some money aside so we're not starving for a few months after the baby comes.
The toilet runs at random intervals and it's annoying. Sometimes it wakes up Jack.
And then there's worrying about my nutrition and Jack's, since I get lazy and don't fix/eat things I/we should sometimes. It was so much easier when Jack was inside me, quietly growing and I could THINK!
Then there's my office, which is the only room in the house that I really don't want anyone seeing because it's a DISASTER!!! (Anyone have a bookcase they can spare me? And a week of time to babysit so I can file 7 years of paperwork away PROPERLY?)
I haven't gotten the electric bill yet...I get it on my anniversary (July 9th)...ha ha ha. I am torn between sweating like a pig and not getting anything done out of sluggishness and passing out from seeing the bill because I chose to be comfortable. Ugh. Would have loved a swamp cooler.
The landlord is so much grumpier than any other we've had, so I don't dare ask for anything again, but there are ants, spiders and cockroaches. I've never had a landlord say they won't exterminate, that it's my problem, until now.
I need to put a firm handle on what we buy for food each month. I mean, everything that could possibly enter our mouths that's not free from someone else. Because the more random it is, the more expensive it is. And I have to overcome the laziness that is letting John grab a lunch out instead of packing one.
Then there's Jack and how he relies on me so ridiculously much that if my sisters (or John!) tries to give him something, he won't accept it unless they hand it to ME and I HAND IT TO HIM MYSELF!!! I need him to rely on John too, 'cause this new baby is going to be all Mama-clingy with the nursing/co-sleeping thing going on and I just can't have him needing me to do absolutely everything and crawling into bed sometime during the night. There's just no ROOM!
So I'm sure there are other things that bug me. Who can't think of just one or two or twenty more, seriously? But these are things that are on my mind now and it has helped to spit it all out for you. I think maybe I can sleep. G'night.
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